BulgingButtons

May 11, 2014
by BulgingButtons 15 Comments

I Never Wanted to Be a Part Time Mother

For those of you who celebrate, Happy Mother’s Day. For those of you for whom Mother’s Day rips open your heart, I’m so very sorry. And for the rest of you, well, happy Sunday.

Growing up I would go on hospital rounds with my father to see his patients. The nurses thought it was cute, and would often ask me if I was going to be a nurse when I grew up. They never thought to ask me if I was going to be a doctor. Anyway, I always answered no. I knew that I wasn’t cut out for healthcare, even at an early age.

I wasn’t sure what profession I wanted to pursue, even into my college years. I had some ideas of professions I wasn’t suited for, but the right one didn’t just jump out at me.

The obvious choice would have been educator, but I couldn’t do that because 1. I was too smart, and 2. I was indoctrinated to believe that “those who can, do and those who can’t, teach.” How foolish I was to believe those two falsehoods. Good thing I got over that and eventually found my calling.

This isn’t about teaching, though, it’s about growing up and becoming a mother. No matter what occupation I was headed for, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I could picture it in my head. There would be trips to the park, and learning to read. There would be visits to the beach and working on school projects together. There would be long conversations in the car and Disney movies. I was cut out for it. Well, maybe not the baby part so much, but the rest of it.

Fast forward several years, and not only am I teaching but I have a son. He’s twelve, and I love him with my whole heart. All of the things I envisioned have come to pass, and there’s so much more ahead. Being his mother is part of the fiber of who I am. Then things change.

I did not choose divorce. I did not choose to dissolve my family. It is something that I didn’t anticipate. I didn’t fight it either, because by the time it happened it was overdue, but I would not have set those wheels in motion.
I meant my wedding vows. I’m one who hangs on to things longer than she perhaps should. Still, it happened. In many ways it was a relief. But it one way it was devastating. I would no longer be a full time mother.

How is that possible? How could I continue on as if life is normal when I’ve gone from a family unit to all alone? My son needed to be with his father some of the time, I understood that, but I hated it. When he was with his father, he wasn’t with me. He wasn’t home. He was gone. I couldn’t parent him if he wasn’t there. I didn’t choose that. My heart was ripped apart.

I could stand not being married. There were even some advantages to it. In the long run, almost four years later, it was obviously for the best, at least for me. But what about for my son? Instead of two full time parents he has two part time parents. Not the same. Not good enough, in my opinion. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that he doesn’t get either of us all the time. He deserves his parents. All kids do. And parents deserve their kids. At least good parents do. And I’m a good parent, just ask my son.

May 10, 2014
by BulgingButtons 7 Comments

Ode to Swollen Feet

I have indulged in something so sodium laden you had not choice but to react

I have stressed you beyond your limit

I didn’t realize it at first

But slowly, surely, you expanded bit by bit

Strange, you don’t normally look like puffy skin pillows with pink painted nubs at the ends

But there you are

Two gigantically swollen feet stuck to the ends of my legs, squeezed into flip flops because no other shoes will accommodate you

I have a secret fear that your skin is stretched so taut it will split under the slightest pressure

I take full responsibility for your pitiful condition

I’m sorry

May 10, 2014
by BulgingButtons 4 Comments

May Mantra – Sell This House

Good Morning Swiffer. Hello vacuum. How are you this beautiful Saturday, duster? I feel like these implements have become my dear friends. Friends that I would like to take a break from. It’s not that they aren’t helpful, it’s just that we’ve been seeing a little too much of each other lately.

As of today many people have walked through my house, deciding whether or not to make it their new home. So far they have all decided not to. There is someone, however, who is on the fence. Their realtor called to schedule a second look. They are narrowing down their options. Apparently their concern is not the construction project across the street (over which I have no control) but the small size of the yard (over which I have no control).

The realtor told me the client is downsizing. Perfect. A small yard with no upkeep should be just the ticket. There’s room in front for puttering if they want to put in more plants, and they can container garden like crazy in the back. I wonder if the flowers were there the first time they came through. They look great now. Maybe that will inspire them.

It’s too bad that my umbrella broke. One afternoon while we were at work the wind picked it up and smashed it against the wall. At least it didn’t leave a gouge. The umbrella provides some much-needed shade and a pop of color. My mother is adamant that I replace it immediately. Should I?

This is what I do. I obsess about things which may or may not make any difference at all. In a perfect world a person should scout out the neighborhood, then walk through a house, to get a sense of the floor plan and amount of space it offers. They should carefully observe what types of updates and repairs the property might need. They should ignore things like current furnishing, wall colors, decor, and the like. They don’t. Most people see what they see, and if it looks pretty they’ll like it, but if it doesn’t they can’t see past it.

This accounts for my obsessing over the tiny details that I can control, since there are big things that I can’t control. So off I go, to Swiffer and vacuum and dust, and to replace my broken umbrella, so the tiny backyard looks like the desert oasis it is.