BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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Smell

Today I’m writing to the prompt “smell” from Linda G. Hill as part of her Stream of Consciousness Saturday series. It may be rambling, so apologies in advance!

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When I think of smell, I automatically think of the aroma of food cooking. A memory just triggered for me, a memory from childhood.

I recall waking up one morning, entirely on my own, so it must have been a weekend. I was never an early riser, and had to be woken for school. I remember that the house smelled strange. Not bad strange, just unusual.

At first I couldn’t quite figure out what it was, but then, as the sleep cleared away and my senses began to sharpen, I puzzled it out. The aroma was meat cooking. My mother had a roast in the oven at that early hour and it filled the house with its rich, robust aroma. It was such a strange smell for first thing in the morning.

What a small thing to carry around in my memory for so many years.


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Walking in Figure Eights

Since school let out, I have some time at home. This free time is both a pleasure and a problem. The pleasure is that I have time to relax, clean up, read, rest, and work on both my summer writing project work and my school work for next year (it comes so quickly).

The problem is that my house is where I keep food (don’t you?) and it’s not exactly a gym (thank goodness). At this point in my life, I need to eat better and eat less, and I need to move more. Being home seems to be at odds with both of those goals. How to cope? Well, here’s what I’m trying:

  1. Get rid of the crap. This isn’t difficult in and of itself, it’s the fact that I live with other people who are healthy and normal and don’t sabotage themselves by overeating particular foods. So far, though, having certain foods in the house hasn’t been a big deal. I just don’t have the foods that I crave, like ice cream, for example. My sweetheart’s chips aren’t that big a draw for me, at least not yet.
  2. 51PoQ8xw5IL._SX258_BO1,204,203,200_.jpgPlan meals. Picking out meals ahead of time, and shopping for those specific ingredients has been helping. I’m not even too stressed about the specific recipes at this point, as long as I know they’re made with real ingredients (as opposed to heavily processed foods) I’m okay with them. My go-to cookbook is Saving Dinner by Leanne Ely. She’s a certified nutritionist and the recipes are simple and delicious. Her website, SavingDinner.com has tons of free recipes.
  3. Buy good food. What works for me might not work for you, but having stuff I like that’s also good for me helps. I have more fruit in my house, more vegetables, more cottage cheese and yogurt, more oatmeal and cereal, more hard-boiled eggs, and more nuts than I have at other times. These foods fuel me in a way that doesn’t include tons of empty calories.
  4. water-bottle-png-1Drink that water. I get thirsty. I drink. I get hungry. I drink. I take meds. I drink. I want something in my hand. I drink. Drinking water moves me through the day (and down the hall to the restroom…more steps!).
  5. Pay attention to my Fitbit. When it says I better get moving I listen (usually). Every hour we should be moving our bodies, and if I don’t have a certain number of steps with ten minutes left in the hour the Fitbit gives me a reminder to get to it. Sometimes I march in place, and sometimes I walk figure eights around my kitchen island and couch. Why not just go outside? Because we’re already over a hundred degrees here, but the pool is still cold (well, by my picky standards). Soon, though, I’ll be walking laps in there.

I’m going to keep doing what I’m doing, and hopefully that little switch in my brain will click into the spot that helps me rather than sabotages me. I’m so thankful to all the wonderful positive people who have stepped forward to offer encouragement. This is a never-ending battle, but one I can’t afford to lose.


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And Now This…

Well hello. Long time, no see.

My apologies.

I could give you a list of excuses, but let’s just not do that, ok?

Frankly, I haven’t had the writing mojo lately. I haven’t had much mojo at all lately, if I’m really honest. My house is a mess, my body is worse, and my get up and go got up and went. And then I went to the doctor.

You see, I’ve had a difficult year. Nothing bad has happened. Not. One. Thing.

My son is fine, my sweetheart is fine, even the dog is fine. Thank goodness.

My work was rewarding, my class was one of the finest I’ve ever taught, and I enjoyed the way our team organized our teaching this year. Even our new administrator surpassed my expectations, so all the work boxes were checked.

So, what then?

What’s been holding me back? Zapping my energy and motivation?

I’m not sure, but I think that having my son go off to college was a little harder for me than I anticipated. Silly, really. He was in the next suburb. The one where I work. I saw him about once a week. And there were nice things about having an adult only home, like no dirty socks in the family room, and no dirty dishes all over the house. But in truth, I didn’t adjust very well.

If I’m totally honest, I think I was a little depressed, and since old habits are hard to break, I went back to my favorite method of self-medicating, food. So. Much. Food. And not the good kind, either, At least not usually.

And then, somehow, I managed to miss my bloodwork. And I missed it again. And again. Until the doctor’s office refused to authorize my medication and I had to go in. I did. And it wasn’t good.

My healthcare provider (who happens to be a PA, and a damn good one) called our appointment my “Come to Jesus” meeting, and he laid it on the line for me. Damn. So now, again, I have to start over. Have to. No choice. No excuses. Sad or lonely or whatever, too bad. I have to get this done.

I don’t want to weigh what I weigh.

I don’t want to become an insulin dependent diabetic.

I don’t want to have to buy two airline seats.

I don’t want to have low back pain from just walking around.

I don’t want to have to pay a premium for clothes that fit and look nice.

I don’t want to take so many pills a day.

I don’t want to huff and puff when I exert myself.

I don’t want to hold back my sweetheart or my son.

I don’t want to be embarrassed to be in family pictures.

I don’t want my mother to worry about me.

I don’t want to shorten my life.

I don’t want to be stared at.

I don’t want to feel less than.

I don’t want to feel incapable.

So yes, I HAVE to. So I will. Again.

It’s time. Time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get going. I have some positive steps already in place and more planned. Writing more is one of them. Accountability, baby. So if you’ll indulge me (and so many of you have, over and over), here we go again.

I know I’m not alone. I know we all have challenges we face, and things that we ought to do, but find difficult. I hope you’ll join me in trying to refocus on what’s important, so we can all improve our quality of life, for ourselves, and for our loved ones.