BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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And Just Like That, Things Can Change

What a week.

First, my sweet friend and former colleague passed away after three years of dealing with the demon known as cancer (and no, I won’t give it a capital C). My heart aches for her family, and for the many students whose lives she touched, who have experienced a significant loss, many for the first time. Our school family is hurting, especially her fifth grade son and his friends, and her kindergarten teammates, who love her very much.

I would have gone to her celebration of life, but I was dealing with a drama playing out closer to home. You see my sweetheart is in the hospital. Here’s the short version of the tale. You can’t tell him I told you. He’s a very private person.

Monday

Him: Feels like I’m sore from doing crunches. Me: You’re doing great exercising.

Tuesday

Him: This is a little annoying, but no big deal. I won’t say anything to anyone. Me: (nothing, because he’s said nothing)

Wednesday

Him: Off to work I go. I’m fine. Home from work I go. I don’t feel well. I’m going to lay down.  Me: You don’t look well. Want to go to Urgent Care?  Him: No.

Thursday

2 am  Him: Can you stay home with me? I don’t think I can drive myself today.  Me: Of course. Do you want to go to the Emergency Room? Him: No.  Me: Let me call in and do sub plans.

7 am  Him: Let’s go over to the doctor’s office. They’re open but don’t pick up phones until 8.  Me: Ok.   Doctor’s office: You can be seen at 10:10.   Him: ok

10:25 am  Medical professional: Go to the ER. Me: biting tongue. Him: ok.

11:00 am Emergency Room intake begins

fast forward

6:30 pm Him: pain is at 8 of 10.  Surgeon: This should take about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. It depends on what we find.

7:00 pm Him: pain is unbearable. Me: I love you. I’ll see you after surgery.

10:00 pm Surgeon: It was bad. I called in a second surgeon to assist. He’s resting now. Really, it was bad. Me: thank you.hospital,_building.gif

He’s been working to recover since then, but there have been some issues that have cropped up along the way. He’s got a few hurdles to overcome, and it’s going to take time.

I’ve spent most of the past four days in the hospital with him, and I will again today. Gone are the days of restricted visitor’s hours. The health care team that works there is incredible. They are professional, hardworking, and so kind.

I’m going over there after I pay some bills. I worry about the bills, but right now that worry gets pushed to the back of my mind. I’m more concerned about his recovery. I’m also concerned and conflicted about work. Mine, not his.

My wonderful teammates made sure the sub had all she needed to teach on Thursday, then on Friday they wrote my lesson plans for me and gathered all the materials. There’s no school today, but what about tomorrow?

Should I go to school? Should I go to the hospital? Should I work now, while he’s hospitalized, knowing that he’ll need me more when he’s discharged? But what if he needs some other procedure? I want to be there.

I feel guilty about leaving my students, but I know they’ll be fine without me. Ultimately, I know he’ll be fine without me too. I feel needed yet superfluous in both situations. This is a tough one. Maybe I’ll let him make the call. Maybe.

I won’t give you the hug your loved ones thing. You already know that. I just needed to get this all out. If you’ve read it all, well, thank you.

 

 


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First Day of School Nerves

This happens every year. In fact I think I write about it every year, and I may even choose the same words. I’m not looking back, because I really don’t care if I repeat myself. It bears repeating. School is starting tomorrow and I’m a bundle of nerves.

I know it’s going to go well.keep-calm-and-act-like-you-know-what-youre-doing.jpg

I know the children are going to be terrific.

I know I’m planned and have my materials ready.

But what if…

What if everything that’s planned falls flat? What if the children won’t listen to me? What if they’re mean to each other? What if I forget how to teach? What if there’s a big storm tomorrow morning and it’s chaos? What if I mess up the schedule? What if I can’t remember any of their names? What if, what if, what if…

O.K. Big breath. Now that I’ve spewed out all of those highly unlikely scenarios (well, except for maybe mixing up the schedule a little and forgetting a name here or there) I actually feel better.

I won’t forget how to teach.

The children will be excited to be back in school and in the fourth grade for the first time.

They will be pleasant and work hard.

We’ll have a fun and productive day getting to know each other and learning how to be fourth graders.

It’s going to be a great year, I just know it. Still, I won’t sleep tonight, but that’s to be expected too.


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Feeling Better Already

I’m not sure if it was the two-week vacation or the plan that my health care provider and I put into place, or maybe a combination of the two, but I’m feeling so much better. My outlook has improved, my energy has increased, and in general things are looking up. Not that they were awful before; they weren’t. But wow, I really do feel better. In fact I feel more like myself.

I also feel like I’m ready to start taking care of myself again. I’ve been moving more, which actually feels pretty good. Additionally, my house is full of fresh fruits and vegetables, and I’m enjoying them. Moderation is the word of the day, although it’s been a bugaboo for me in the past.

I’m pretty sure there’s something messed up with the pleasure sensors in my brain. It seems that when they’re activated they completely override the the satiation function. It works like this:

me: Yum, this is delicious. I’ll just have a bit.65190869-stock-vector-fat-glutton-ginger-cat-with-empty-bowl-on-white-background-vector-illustration.jpg

also me: This is SO good. KEEP EATING.

me: Well, maybe just a little more.

also me: DON’T STOP. THERE’S PLENTY.

me: I’m full. I need to stop eating this.

also me: Are you kidding? This is TOO GOOD. DON’T STOP.

me: I ate it all. I feel awful. Why do I do this?

also me: But it was SO GOOD.

See how that works? It’s counterproductive, to say the least. At the moment, though, it seems to be in check. I mean, who’s going to go nuts over plums?

Anyway, tomorrow it’s back to school for teachers, and the beginning of a brand new school year. It’s a perfect time for a fresh start, so here I am, ready to go.

Enjoy your summer, or what’s left of it, and imagine me and my kiddos back in school (it’s so early!!!)