Not bad for a fat girl


Mirror, Mirror, Go Away

My new home has a rather large master bathroom complete with a walk-in closet. It’s quite posh, really. It also features many mirrors. At least it seems that way. And these mirrors are hung at all sorts of angles from one another, creating something of a fun house effect. Or maybe house is horrors is closer to the truth. At least for me.

As I walk through the bathroom, I can’t help but view my entire body from angles that were previously unknown to me.

Picasso's Girl Before a Mirror

Picasso’s Girl Before a Mirror

Last night I caught sight of my full profile, and I stopped. I looked. I saw what everyone else sees all the time. You see, my body doesn’t carry weight the way most bodies do. I carry the majority of my extra weight in my belly, and it sticks way out. I am bigger front to back than side to side. When I look in the mirror I think I know what I look like, but I rarely catch a side view. Now I have one available all the time. Oh goody.

I stood there and gathered up as much of the belly fat as I could and took stock. There’s a lot. Then I let go and looked back in the mirror. I imagined what my body would look like if much of that belly were gone. Yes, there would still be plenty of jiggle to the thighs, and the back fat would still be in place. Yes, the beefy arms would still exist along with the double chin, but I would look pretty darn good. Not photoshop good, mind you, but fit and trim. That body could shop in a department that doesn’t have any sizes with the letter X in them. It would be nice, but it won’t happen by itself.

Those mirrors aren’t going away. They will remain in place to either encourage me or taunt me, as I see fit. It’s up to me to approach them with self love, not loathing. Too many of us hate our bodies, but our bodies deserve our care and tenderness, not our hateful thoughts. Regardless of the body I’m in, I will care for it and thank it for all the wonderful things it can do. And when I’m feeling really motivated, I’ll take it out for a spin, just to make sure all the parts are still working.





My Week At A Glance

we-have-movedIt has been quite a week.

On Monday we returned from vacation. We also signed a bunch of paper work.

On Tuesday I ran a million errands and got keys to our new house.

On Wednesday the movers brought in all of our furniture.

On Thursday I took the boy to the orthodontist and unpacked.

On Friday I unpacked some more.

Today is Saturday. This morning we rented a van and moved many more boxes into the house. It’s lunchtime, and I’m beat.

I’m being paged to go do more stuff. I’m drowning in boxes and feeling every one of the 112 or so degrees the sun is sending my way. I’m pooped. But I can do it! I will do it! IKEA, here I come.


Curse This Blessing

slider_image_5Tomorrow my niece will have her Bat Mitzvah. She will get up in front of the congregation and friends and family from near and far and she will read from the Torah. It is a Jewish rite of passage and she is well prepared for it. She will do great.

I, on the other hand, will bomb.

I never had a Bat Mitzvah. I was raised in the same synagogue where she will have her ceremony, and while it is a beautiful house of worship, it’s also quite large. As a kid her age I was quite shy. I begged my parents not to make me do it, and they agreed. I still don’t entirely understand that decision, but I’m happy with it. As a result, I never had to go up there and recite Hebrew in front of all those people. I dodged a bullet. Or so I thought.

A few nights ago my brother mentioned that he would like me and my mother to recite two prayers during the service. One is recited before reading the Torah, and the other is recited after. I’ve heard both of these prayers many many times during my life, but could I tell you the exact words? Did I mention that they’re in Hebrew? Gulp.

My brother told me not to worry, they have a laminated card right up there on the pulpit so you can’t mess up. The words are written in english syllables. Sort of. And the tune… well, let’s just say it’s a kind of sing-song chant thing. I should know it. But I don’t.

My internet access has been somewhat limited, so it wasn’t until tonight that I was able to hunt around on youtube to find these prayers. Finally, a Jan Lieberman, a cantor from Florida, had what I needed. I know most of it, but there’s still one line that’s tricky. The sounds she makes and the english letters on the laminated card don’t seem to match up in my brain, so I’m still a little stuck on that part. Add to that the fact that my mother is completely tone deaf, and I don’t have a great voice to begin with, and I think we’re in trouble.

The good news is that I’ve got the first prayer down. The further good news is that the second prayer is only about 15 seconds long on the youtube video. It will be fine, I have all night to listen to it. Besides, nobody will be paying attention to me anyway, it’s my niece’s day, and she will be perfect.