BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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Bra Update

So a word to the wise, when you buy a bra spend a little time getting to know it. Walk around in it. Pick things up in it. Sit down in it. See how you like it.

Maybe, just maybe, it feels pretty good for the first thirty or so minutes, but after that, not so good. Maybe, just maybe, you should keep the tags ON your new purchase and plan to spend a weekend morning in said device before fully committing.

I’m just saying, three minutes in the fitting room is probably not enough time to make a decision that can affect your well being as much as wearing a bra that hurts. There, I said it, it hurts!

Why? Because I sat down. Yes, my crime was sitting. I’m fat, dammit, and when fat people sit stuff gets all squished around and in my case that means that the underwire got forced into my ribs. Ow, ow, ow.

So yes, the bra makes the boobs look pretty darn good for 50, but it’s going to hang out in my closet most of the time. Special occasions, though, look out. Who needs all those ribs, anyway?


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Oh Those Boots

The temperature has finally dipped below 80º (please don’t throw things at me), so it’s time to take out my favorite black boots. I’ve been waiting to wear these for several months, but I just can’t quite do it when it’s hot as Hades outside. Cooler temps call for different clothes, and those clothes call for boots.

I actually have two pairs of black boots, tall and short. They’re both low-heeled and surprisingly comfortable. The short ones are my favorites. They have three buckles on the outside and make me feel like a badass. I call them my motorcycle boots. I have never actually been on a motorcycle, but that’s beside the point. They also remind me of Star Trek inspired fashion. I don’t know why, but I’m pretty sure Lt. Uhura would dig these boots. Captain Kirk might too, I don’t know.

The tall boots are the same kind that everyone else has, the sort of equestrian inspired type, but mine are awesome because they actually fit my fat calves. They’re from Lane Bryant, as are the short ones, so they’re made for a bigger woman. Thank goodness. They’re super cute with leggings (well, so are the short ones) and even skirts.

I do actually have one other pair of boots, but I never wear them. Why? Because they’re hiking boots and when would I hike? I mean, sure, I live in possibly the most inviting place in the world to hike, and the rugged terrain makes the boots really handy should I actually want to hit a trail, but, no, I don’t use them. I should though, I can see that.

I used to wear boots all the time, with purpose. The pair I brought with me to the Valley of the Sun were a well worn pair of Timberlands. They were warm and sturdy and had seen their share of cold weather. Once I moved away from the land of ice and snow I never wore them again.

I also had a pair of L.L. Bean boots, the kind with the brown rubber bottoms and leather on top. They were okay from the point of view that I was a very preppy girl at the time and they were very preppy boots (I’m pretty sure they were even featured in the Preppy Handbook), but they just weren’t warm enough. Rubber, people, think about it.

As a little kid I had crappy boots. This was long before Moon Boots were invented. I remember that we called these awful boots “shoe-boots” because you wore them instead of a shoe, rather than over one. They were some sort of nasty brown plastic-y material with a fuzzy lining and a zipper that wouldn’t always work right. Before that, it was rubber boots worn right over the shoes. You would have to stick your feet in bread bags first, though, so they would slide in and out of the boots. Mine were red.

Naturally, as I got older I resisted the crappy boots and hadn’t yet discovered the “cool” L.L. Bean boots, so I eschewed boots all together. I would wear sneakers and even clogs in the snow. What an idiot. I remember the snow getting into the clogs over and over and forming ice patties under my heels as I walked to school. Like I said, a complete idiot.

I did actually have boots in junior high school, but I didn’t want to wear them in the snow because I didn’t want to ruin the leather. I had a pair of sweet Thom McAn stacked heel round toed boots, that I bought (well, that my Mom bought) simply because my best friend had them. They were ugly. Later on I upgraded to a pair of equally brown, also stacked heel cowgirl boots that were only marginally less ugly. What was I thinking?

That was before my foray into New Wave. Yeah, I didn’t really foray very far, but I did have a pair of tan “elf” boots. Nobody called them that. Just me. I’m a dork. In my defense, though, I don’t think I ever said it out loud.

Later on, I bought myself a really nice pair of Nine West cowgirl boots, low heel, butter soft leather, and a leather strap around the ankle with a silver circle holding it together. No zipper either, real boots. I loved those boots and wore them for years. *Sigh*

My other favorite pair, and really the last pair that mattered until now, were my “witch” boots. Again, my term. I may have said this one out loud. I was in college by this point, and I was a foreign exchange student in England. It was the late eighties, and my wardrobe consisted of genie pants, long pencil skirts, and oversized sweaters. Of course I needed these plain black lace up booties (again, no zipper, I was a purist). Those boots took me all over England, across to Belgium, Switzerland, and Italy, and then over to Portugal. I was undercover in those boots, I didn’t look like an American, and since I was traveling alone, that’s the way I wanted it.  I kind of wish I had a pair just like them today.

I hope you enjoy my favorite Karaoke song, “These Boots Are Made for Walkin'” by Nancy Sinatra. Fabulous boots, a fabulous song, and check out those backup dancers, wow!

 

 


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Why Being Fat Sucks – Round Two

(Another one from the archives. Enjoy, or cringe…)

Seriously, it’s no fun. Here’s the next installment in the being fat sucks series (see part one here).

 

1. Socks dig into your legs.

2. Your bra side panels sometimes get sucked into the caverns created by your back fat.

3. You have to strategically plan your path through a crowded room.

Trust me, the fat woman is mortified.

Trust me, the fat woman is mortified.

4. You bump into every single person along the aisle of the airplane as you walk by.

5. What looks cute on your friends looks absurd on you.

6. Getting out of bed is literally the first challenge of the day.

7. You learn to avoid mirrors, thus failing to notice spinach in your teeth and other ugly details.

8. Your seatbelt never sits quite right so you’re always adjusting it.

9. You worry about riding in other people’s cars, also because of the seatbelt issue.

10. Zip-lining? Forget it.

11. You actually read the weight limits on ladders before you step on them.

12. You avoid folding chairs like the plague (and keep your own super duty chair in the car, just in case).

13. You imagine you would kill the poor mule if you were to sign up for the mule ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

14. Your feet hurt.

15. You get winded far too quickly.

16. You avoid being in pictures, even of events that you want to remember. When you are in pictures, you dislike what you see.

17. Clothes generally either feel tight or sloppy.

18. Even purse straps seem too small.

19. You feel like servers judge your order in restaurants.

20. The sides of chairs leave marks in your legs when you get up.