I just wrote, and lost, a long post about this dog. I wrote about how she came into our lives and about how crazy she was. I wrote about how she saved us when we thought we were saving her. This dog has been my therapy, but even better, she has been my son’s friend. I love this dog, and I’m glad she’s ours.
Tag Archives: divorce
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Okay, admit it, if you’re of a certain age you probably started singing “…but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.”
I’m right, aren’t I?
Well today I didn’t get something I needed, but I did get something I wanted. Funny thing about it is that I didn’t realize I wanted it until yesterday. Let me explain.
My actual real card from my sweet son.
I was married for a long time. At the beginning of that relationship, things were not good between me and the ex’s parents (father and step-mother, his birth mother was deceased). They took issue with certain things about me, like the fact that I didn’t share their son’s religion. Over time, though, they got to know me, and after a while, we developed a fairy decent relationship. The fact that I bore them a grandson helped too, I think.
Anyway, they retired and relocated to our state, which was especially nice for my son. When he was younger we would all get together at their house for swimming, barbeques, and various celebrations. It was fun, really fun. Just yesterday when I was out by our pool I told my sweetheart that I sort of missed those times. Of course he wasn’t part of them, and I wouldn’t turn back the hands of time for anything, but those afternoons by their pool were really wonderful. Alas, time and tide waits for no man, and that ship has sailed. Time to let it go.
Then today my son showed up for Mother’s Day. His father accompanied him to the door with a request. Could we please go over to his parents’ house to retrieve son’s math assignment that he left behind last night? I hadn’t seen or spoken with my former in-laws in almost two years. How strange.
My son called his grandparents and they told us to come on over, which we did. They had house-guests (whom my son had met the day before) but that didn’t make any difference. We were ushered into the backyard, poolside, for a visit. It was great. I felt like it had been weeks, not years, since we had visited.
I guess I need to spend a little more time identifying the things that I want in my life, so the universe knows which opportunities to throw my way. This time, at least, I got exactly what I wanted.
Alone vs. Lonely
I am home alone. This is a rarity. If the whole family isn’t home, I’m usually either with my son or my sweetheart. Occasionally I get home from work first on a day that my son is with his father, so as I’m puttering around, unwinding from the day, I may have fifteen minutes to myself, but they are full. I come in, put my work things away, let the dog out, feed her, use the bathroom, check the mail, and *poof* the alone time is gone.
On the days my son isn’t with his dad, I’m his driver. We walk out together in the morning, and we walk back in together in the afternoon. When he’s gone for the weekend, my sweetheart and I spend a lot of time together. We like it that way. We run errands together, we go on dates together, we do projects around the house together, and we just generally enjoy each other’s company.
My family, however, understands that I’m a bit of an introvert, and that I need some time and space to myself.
I have a wonderful “studio” in our home where I can retreat for a bit. After a while one of them might wander in, and that’s fine. I’m not a hermit by any definition of the word. I love them both dearly, and enjoy spending time with them.
There’s a difference between being alone by choice and being alone by circumstance. I learned that lesson when I got divorced. I was okay with the idea of being divorced. I wasn’t thrilled about it, but I understood it, and figured that in the long run it would be best for all involved. It has been. But what I didn’t understand, just couldn’t wrap my head around, was the idea that I should be forced to be 100% utterly alone as a result of circumstances that were beyond my control. I’m talking about my son’s time with his father, of course. My rational brain knew that they deserved to spend time together, and that my son needed his father in his life. It was the primal brain, however, that screamed out, “THIS IS UNFAIR!”
The weekends he was away were torture for me. It felt like the most horrible type of punishment I could imagine. I went from what I considered a normal family life, with a husband and a son, to a completely single entity for those ghastly weekends. How could I be a mother for x number of days a month, but not a mother for the rest? Oh sure, I was still his mother, but I couldn’t parent him. I tried not to think about it too much. I tried not to be critical of his father’s parenting (he’s not a bad father at all, in fact there are a lot of things that I think he does really well in terms of his relationship with our son). I tried to just separate myself from the whole situation when he wasn’t with me. I was always available for my son, but he didn’t need me when he was with his dad. It’s been several years now and to this day I rarely speak to him when he’s with his dad. It’s not that I’m not interested in what he’s doing, but I don’t want to infringe on their time together.
That first year or so of that utter and complete aloneness when he was gone forced me to make some decisions about how I wanted to handle myself. I could have spent those entire weekends in front of the tv, binging on movies and ice cream. I didn’t. I started to find things to do and people to connect with. It started to hurt less and I started to find peace in the alone time. Still, I didn’t like it. I loved having a family. I loved going on outings and sharing family dinners and playing in the pool together and watching movies and celebrating holidays and going on vacations and all of those things that families do. I was heartbroken that it all came to an end, both for myself and for my son. I felt like we were being robbed. Still, I had to make a decision to either wallow in it and make myself even more miserable, and take my son down with me, or deal with it. I’m a grown up. I dealt with it.
Time has passed, and there is a new man in my life, and family has a new definition. No, we’re not married, but the three of us are a family, just as my son’s father and his extended family are still part of our family. It’s not what I expected, but it seems to be working out okay for us.
Long story short, I enjoy those few hours alone at home when nobody is around, but I enjoy them because they’re not forced on me. I’m alone, but I’m far from lonely.
BulgingButtons 