BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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My Real Fear of Flying

I’m going on vacation in a few weeks, and I’m very excited about it. I’ll see friends and family, and I’ll go to the beach and a couple of parties. I’ll celebrate my birthday and the Fourth of July and generally have a great time. I know all of this. But I’m dreading going.FEA040

Why?

The flight.

The last time I was on a plane was back in January, on my way home from London. It was a glorious trip, but the flying was not fun. I was squished, and I’m sure I squished my sweet, ever-patient son, who was stuck next to me. He will once again be stuck next to me, and we will both, once again, be squished, but this time it’s not just the discomfort that has me worried. It’s the seatbelt.

I’m afraid, that for the first time ever, I won’t be able to buckle it.

I was hardly skinny back in January, and I’m even less so now. What if it doesn’t fit? What if I have to request an extender? Will I die of embarrassment? Will my son?

I have a couple of weeks. Maybe there’s time to make a dent. It’s worth a try.


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A Poem

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Pebbles of Doubt

I’m walking a path that feels familiar

Yet it looks different from any I’ve followed before

The sunlight is the same

And so are the trees

The birdsong is familiar

And so is the scent in the air

Pine and mud and freshness

Wonder and wanting and impatience

I move forward

Knowing the path will guide me

My feet feel sure

But my eyes question

Have I been here before?

Is this the right path?

Where will it take me?

I throw those questions aside

Pebbles on the earth

Left in my wake

And I charge ahead

Unwilling to consider

That my doubts might lead to truth


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Feeling Like a Newbie All Over Again

There’s something very empowering about being brand new to something. You have the luxury of not knowing much, and therefore not being expected to be terribly proficient at whatever it is. Books1Now granted, there are times when this is a horrible disadvantage, like say for a brain surgeon. I wouldn’t want to be standing there in an operating room facing my first exposed brain. That seems like a lot of pressure.

In other situations, however, I believe the role of the novice can be quite freeing.

Someone who picks up paints for the first time may not be inhibited by color theory in ways that a more experienced artist might. A first time novelist may not be as concerned with plot structure as a writer with several editions under her belt. A new quilter may not realize that certain fabrics “shouldn’t” go together, and as a result she might create something bold, beautiful, and unique.

Maybe it’s the creative pursuits where newness has the biggest advantage. Even in creative endeavors there are “rules” and ways of doing things that will produce somewhat predictable results, but many times those rules are meant to be broken. Newbies don’t worry so much about the rules, in fact they may be blissfully unaware of them. I think that’s a good thing.

With newness comes exploration and wonder, whether it’s with paints, fabrics, words, or human relationships. Everything is fresh and untried. Each path is new and unexplored. Some of them work out beautifully while others may be unsatisfying or even cause difficulty.

Whether you’re experimenting with clay or a banjo or a human heart, being new brings a level of energy and excitement that is difficult to recapture. Enjoy the experience. Expertise will come, if you want it badly enough, and if it’s meant to be.