I guess I really was in a good mood on Saturday while I was shopping with my mother. I must have been, because this particular question didn’t elicit the response in me that it might have at any other time.
Let me set the stage. I was in a lovely fitting room in a lovely department store. I was wearing a dress with a fantastic cut made from a gorgeous fabric. It was a dress designed to show off curves, and it did.
The problem is that I have curves in the wrong places. They talk about “apple” and “pear” shaped figures, but I’m more of a honeydew. I carry a lot of weight around my waist, and I’m about as big front to back as I am side to side.
So there I was in this really pretty dress, deciding how I felt about it, when mom comes up with, “do you wear Spanx?”
I laughed and told her that Spanx wasn’t going to make any difference for me. She went on to tell me how wonderful they were. Like I said, I must have been in a good mood, because not a word of sarcasm crossed my lips.
I could have told her that wearing Spanx for me, if they even came in my size (which I sincerely doubt), would be like placing a band-aid over stab wound. It would be like bailing out a ship with a teaspoon. It would be like building the great pyramids with lego bricks. It would be like harnessing up mice to pull a chariot. It would be like writing a novel using rubber stamps for each letter. It would be like digging a canal with a toothpick. Need I go on?
As always, I’m sure she meant well, but Spanx? Really? Oh well, I guess hope springs eternal.
March 3, 2014 at 6:33 am
sympa votre blog,bonne continuation
March 3, 2014 at 6:47 am
Thank you, I think.
March 3, 2014 at 7:24 am
I wear their target-brand support tights under my work pants in the winter. Mainly to keep warm but suck me in just a little.
The ones that look like shorts and all? Not brave enough for those yet…
March 3, 2014 at 12:30 pm
I just imagine feeling like sausage in a casing. No thanks. 🙂
March 3, 2014 at 10:45 am
Please forgive me for what may turn into a rant. Here’s my take on it. Spanx are for women of a certain age and body type who may just be starting to see the ravages of time in the form of cellulite. I wish the rest would just simply be who they are. I must have 4 or 5 pairs, which are only the result of a sales pitch, designed to make women feel crappy about they’re bodies. I never wear them!! Not only are they intruments of torture, but, while you’re squeezed into them, they are a constant reminder of how you don’t “measure up!” Isn’t it ultimately woven dressing for other women? How many guys would put themselves through all that nonsense to appear “more attractive”? And speaking of guys, it’s false advertising!!!! I had a date one night and thought, “Ok. What the hell! I’ll go out on that limb.” So I harnessed myself into one that hooks under the bust going to the waist. Looked great, aside from cutting into my shoulders. We are at my place. Things were becoming playful. As the clothes start coming off, I’m thinking “Shit! Now what? Do I run into the bathroom and take this off before he sees it?” (This is not what you want to be thinking about in the throes of passion.) My sweater comes off. The first words out of his mouth are “What is this?” I was cockblocked by my own decision to wear one of those stupid things!! While he might have gone ahead, I was too embarassed to go any further. I don’t know if he was disappointed or not. I know I was! After that I conducted a “poll” and found out that most men like a woman who jiggles. Vive la difference! I went from a size 24 to a 12 just by exercising. It wasn’t until I embraced my largesse that I was able to live myself enough to take better care of myself. This awful winter has seen me sedentary and putting on weight. Scary stuff. But nothing will ever scare me enough to wear one of those things again. You have a lovely spirit! You’re funny as hell. And you’re a good writer. It’s a gift to make people laugh. How many people can say that?
March 3, 2014 at 12:32 pm
You are way too kind, and I totally agree, they seem like torture devices to me. Maybe for a certain small segment of the population they are helpful, but I think for most women they are instruments of degradation.
I appreciate your input on the topic as well as your thoughtful reply.
March 3, 2014 at 12:39 pm
I’m not too kind.
Your gift for simile is not only amazing, but HYSTERICAL! Keep it up!
March 4, 2014 at 5:31 am
I guess now isn’t the time to confess that I recently wore a pair under my yoga pants to workout? 😉
March 4, 2014 at 6:16 am
Confess away! If you can’t be real in this little corner of the blogging universe, where can you? 🙂
So how did wearing them make you feel? Just curious.
March 6, 2014 at 8:15 am
They made me hot and sweaty!!
March 6, 2014 at 9:59 am
As I suspected!
March 6, 2014 at 11:18 am