July | 2014 | BulgingButtons

July 9, 2014
by BulgingButtons 8 Comments

Crashed

The house is quiet except for the sound of rain against the windows and roof, and the soft snoring coming from both the couch and the love seat. I couldn’t be happier.

We’re in transition, this little family of mine. There are four of us, three humans and a dog. My sixteen-year-old son stretches his lanky body across the long couch, breathing in and out rhythmically to the sound of the rain. My fiancé is on the love seat, one leg bent across the arm, the other on the floor, occasionally letting out a noise to let me know he’s still alive and asleep. They have both fallen asleep without meaning to, victims of their own exhaustion.

They are missing the summer storm, with its steady rain and gently rumbling thunder. The dog has settled at my feet, more out of comfort than any sort of alarm. We are all at peace tonight.

I was a little worried. We are in the midst of a move, and we’re in temporary quarters. We had a 1,765 square foot, four-bedroom house that we sold. We’re moving into a 2,200 square foot, four-bedroom house, but it’s not ready yet. Right now we’re in a space that is about 750 square feet and has two bedrooms. Oh, and it was completely full when we got here.

There is not a single empty drawer or even two inches of closet space available in this house. There is no room in the medicine cabinet, the kitchen cupboards, or even on the counters. We have items in suitcases on the floor, items stashed under the one bed, and items under the kitchen table. We have a laundry hamper in the living room, next to a filing cabinet, behind the couch. You might say it’s a little cramped. Still, it’s a roof over our heads, and it’s rent-free at that. I can’t complain. I won’t complain. The air-conditioning works, there is a fridge and two functioning bathrooms, there’s a washer and dryer, and there’s a lovely swimming pool a short walk away. We’re set. Crowded, but set.

Tonight I’m feeling gratitude, not just that we have this place to stay, but that we are together. My son and my fiancé are the two most important people in my life, and the fact that they’re both snoring away on the couches just a few feet from where I’m writing makes me incredibly happy. They could have each retreated to their separate corners, but they didn’t. They could have been self-conscious about letting their guard down, but that wasn’t the case. They are both totally at home here, even amongst all the stuff that I feel is choking us. They aren’t craving solitude, they are embracing togetherness.

I was worried about the lack of space. I was worried that we would begin to get on each other’s nerves and argue, but that hasn’t happened. We’ve adjusted. They’ve adjusted, and they’ve taught me that I can adjust too.

July 7, 2014
by BulgingButtons 4 Comments

Alone, At Last

Being alone is a strange thing. We are welcomed into the world with at least our mother near us, and for those of us born in hospitals, many other people as well. We spend much of our early years in the company of others, aside from our sleeping hours, and for many infants and young children, those hours are spent with others too.

When my son was about four he pointed out to me that it wasn’t fair that he had to sleep alone when his dad and I got to sleep together. I wasn’t a family bed proponent, and I still contend that none of use would have ever gotten a decent night’s sleep had he been with us, but he made a point. Why do the most vulnerable among us sleep alone? We humans are generally pretty social beings, even the anti-social among us. Complete solitude gets old quickly, even in the most beautiful of surroundings.

My sweetheart used to work for the park service. He had many lonely nights and solitary days in some of the most beautiful country on the planet, but alone is alone. When there’s nobody to share the experience with, it somehow loses some of its meaning. Certainly I would prefer isolation in the beauty of nature, provided I was safe, than in a solitary holding cell, but even solitude in comfortable surroundings would become a burden after a short while.

I’m not talking about that kind of alone. I don’t mean the alone that seeps into your bones and leaves you cold and hungry; the kind of alone that stretches in front of you without an end in sight. I’ve never known that kind of alone. I hope I never do. That kind of alone frightens me. I’m not afraid to be with myself, in fact I think I’m pretty good company, it’s just that I’m afraid to never have anyone to share experiences with. I’m afraid I would stagnate and begin to rot from the inside out.

The kind of alone I’m talking about is a break. A short separation from those I love dearly. After three days cooped up in close quarters with limited diversions, I’m glad that today we’re back to a somewhat normal schedule. After dropping my son off at his volunteer work, I ran a few errands and returned home to an entirely peaceful house. As I released the dog from her kennel I looked around and felt a sense of peace settle over me. She and I have a few hours before anyone returns home, and we’re going to make it count. She has already begun her work on a new nap, and I’ve taken to the keyboard. We are both using our talents in ways that we find satisfying. We are sharing the afternoon in companionable silence, aside from the occasional passing comment. We are alone, together.

I don’t feel the need to do the laundry or vacuum or make the beds. I’m okay with letting things slide a little bit today. Today I need to recharge my battery. Tomorrow it’s a trip to the dentist, then a long overdue lunch date with a friend. After that the laundry can have its turn, but not today. Today it can sit in the hamper and just be still. I have peace and quiet to catch up on, and I’m going to make it count.

July 5, 2014
by BulgingButtons 4 Comments

Bursting at the Seams

I find myself in transition, again. I’m glad we’ve moved out of our house successfully. It was a challenge. Every time it seemed we were almost done it turned out that we weren’t. There was so much stuff to pack up and so many little jobs to do before we could officially walk away knowing that we were, in fact, done. It was stressful and exhausting. The good news is, we did it. We closed, the proceeds have been deposited (waiting to be applied to the new house), and that particular house is no longer home.

The down side is that the new house isn’t yet home either. We’re still in the purchasing process for that one, which is fine, since the seller is doing some work before we take possession. It’s nothing major, a couple of the light switches got wired funky and the skylight has a crack, things like that. None of them are structural or dangerous, but they should all be done, and if I had to get them fixed it would add up quickly. The good news is that everything should be done by the end of the month, and we should be able to move it and start making it home.

So where does that leave us now? Sofa surfing, baby. We’re staying in a very nice, cozy little home. We’re the only ones here right now, which is great, because there’s barely enough room for the three of us and the dog. It’s a vacation home, and it’s filled to the gills. It was before we got here, and then we showed up with our stuff. Suitcases and laundry baskets and computers and a filing cabinet and a kennel and groceries… OH MY. You can barely walk across a room without tripping on something.

Each area of the home is completely packed with stuff. The sofas are covered in sheets, and I’m keeping them covered so the dog doesn’t get them furry. The kitchen counters hold our groceries that don’t belong in the fridge, and there’s about a one foot by two foot area that I’ve managed to clear off for food prep, but I can’t prep anything in there. It’s just too cramped. There’s no microwave, and it’s too darn hot to run the oven, so we’ve been going out. That needs to stop. I need to pick up some fruit and we need to stick to fruit, sandwiches, and cereal. We can do that.

Just because the house is bursting at the seams doesn’t mean that I have to. I need to get back on track and start losing again, instead of gaining. Time to refocus and make better choices. Here we go again!