Not bad for a fat girl


I’m Okay, But What Does Depression Really Look Like?

There’s been so much talk about mental health in general and depression specifically recently that I’m questioning what depression really looks like. I know some general information about depression, like that it has nothing to do with how fabulous your life seems to be from the outside. Cruel, isn’t it? You can work hard, do your best, love and be loved, and yet still be depressed. An outsider might envy your life, when in reality you are struggling just to get through the day.

I’m not struggling to get through my days, thank goodness. My life is pretty great, in fact. I have a terrific kid, a loving relationship, great family, good friends, a career I enjoy, a comfortable home, I’m well educated, I have interests and connections, and yet…

94923.original-6151.jpgSomething just feels kind of off. I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I know I should. I haven’t been exercising. I’ve been eating terribly. I’ve been feeling sort of detatched, if that makes any sense. I have time on my hands and I feel like I’m just wasting it. I’m tired for no reason. I’m achy. I’m taking my medications, so I don’t think it’s my body. Is it my mind? Am I depressed? Why would I be? But something isn’t right.

When I think of depression I think of someone who is overwhelmingly sad. That’s not me. I think of someone who has difficulty functioning. That’s not me. But then again it wasn’t some of the well-known people who recently died by suicide. NO. I am not suicidal. I am simply out of sorts, and I don’t like it. I’m usually pretty chill, with a side of optimism, but recently I’ve been more “meh.” I’d like to shake that off, and get back to feeling like myself. Maybe I just need to exercise more, I do know it helps a person’s outlook. But maybe there’s something more. I’m just not sure.

Tomorrow I have my annual check up. It should be super-fun. This, of course, is sarcasm. I don’t enjoy my check up, and I don’t know many people who do. This one will be particularly bad, because I know I haven’t taken care of myself the way I should have. I’m supposed to be losing weight, but I’m certain I’ve gained. I imagine I’ll get scolded for that. UGH. I think I better talk to my provider about my state of mind. Maybe he can help. Talking about it is a step in the right direction, anyway, at least I think it is. Wish me luck.


The One Armed Wonder, or What’s My Excuse?

(One of my earliest blog posts. I was so inspired by Ryan! Originally published June 27, 2013.)


tumblr_mozfa2rZOp1rri1fao1_400Did you happen to catch Extreme Weight Loss on ABC last night? It featured a young man from Appleton, WI who not only started losing weight at 410 lbs, but did so with one arm. This young man, Ryan, gave it all he had and lost over two hundred pounds over the course of a year. Ok, he had help. Lots of help. But so what? Could I do it, even with help? Could you?

Here’s the thing, I have help. Maybe you do too. We all (well, you and I anyway) have the internet, so we have TONS of resources, right? And if you’re anything like me, you already know plenty about health, fitness, and nutrition. I’ve often said I could write the book… but would I read it?

Maybe you’re stubborn, like me. Or a slow learner. Or a procrastinator. Or in denial. Maybe you are so incredibly stunningly gorgeous that the very thought of altering your appearance in any way, including by losing even an ounce, is unacceptable to you. Or maybe, just maybe, you’re ready to try. Again.

That’s what this is all about for me. Allowing myself the space to try again and again and again. That’s what it’s going to take for me. I’m fat. Really really fat. I could stand to lose at least 100 lbs. Seriously. You’re welcome to come along, or stand on the sidelines and watch. Laugh when you want to, sob if you feel like it, but do something. This business of doing nothing is crap.


Bursting at the Seams

I find myself in transition, again. I’m glad we’ve moved out of our house successfully. It was a challenge. Every time it seemed we were almost done it turned out that we weren’t. There was so much stuff to pack up and so many little jobs to do before we could officially walk away knowing that we were, in fact, done. It was stressful and exhausting. The good news is, we did it. We closed, the proceeds have been deposited (waiting to be applied to the new house), and that particular house is no longer home.3531319464_cartoon_lady_closet_xlarge

The down side is that the new house isn’t yet home either. We’re still in the purchasing process for that one, which is fine, since the seller is doing some work before we take possession. It’s nothing major, a couple of the light switches got wired funky and the skylight has a crack, things like that. None of them are structural or dangerous, but they should all be done, and if I had to get them fixed it would add up quickly. The good news is that everything should be done by the end of the month, and we should be able to move it and start making it home.

So where does that leave us now? Sofa surfing, baby. We’re staying in a very nice, cozy little home. We’re the only ones here right now, which is great, because there’s barely enough room for the three of us and the dog. It’s a vacation home, and it’s filled to the gills. It was before we got here, and then we showed up with our stuff. Suitcases and laundry baskets and computers and a filing cabinet and a kennel and groceries… OH MY. You can barely walk across a room without tripping on something.

Each area of the home is completely packed with stuff. The sofas are covered in sheets, and I’m keeping them covered so the dog doesn’t get them furry. The kitchen counters hold our groceries that don’t belong in the fridge, and there’s about a one foot by two foot area that I’ve managed to clear off for food prep, but I can’t prep anything in there. It’s just too cramped. There’s no microwave, and it’s too darn hot to run the oven, so we’ve been going out. That needs to stop. I need to pick up some fruit and we need to stick to fruit, sandwiches, and cereal. We can do that.

Just because the house is bursting at the seams doesn’t mean that I have to. I need to get back on track and start losing again, instead of gaining. Time to refocus and make better choices. Here we go again!