Straight from the, “I never saw that coming,” file- let me introduce you to the HAPIfork. You’ve never seen anything quite like it.

It’s an eating utensil!

No! It’s a data input device!!

No!!  It’s a behavior modification tool!!!

Truth be told, I think it’s all of those things. It’s almost like a fork with a brain and an attitude, on a mission to save the world from fatties like me (and maybe you too).

From what I gathered from my quick visit to their website, this thing is designed to make you a amore mindful eater. If you eat too fast, you’re gonna get it. Get what? Some sort of response from the fork. The website makes it sound like it’ll vibrate or something, but what I’m imagining is a zap to the tongue.

Now let me put in the disclaimer that I haven’t used this fork (at around a hundred dollars I have no plans to, either) so I don’t know exactly what kind of feedback it gives, but clearly it does something. The only thing I want my fork to do is get food from my plate to my mouth in a reasonably efficient manner.

Can you imagine life with this fork?

1. Set the table with your HAPIfork (which resembles an overgrown toddler utensil).

2. Eat carefully, trying not to piss off the fork so as not to incur its wrath.

3. Disassemble said fork for cleaning.

4. Take the “brains” portion of the fork to the computer to download data.

5. Reassemble the fork so it’s ready for the next time you want to play fork roulette.

No thanks. I’m perfectly capable of showering myself with guilt, should I choose. I don’t need an expensive, inconvenient utensil to do it for me.