BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl

Crossing the Line 

8 Comments

I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point over the past few months, I crossed the line. I entered the realm of the really really fat, and it sucks.

I’m not the same person I was just a little while ago, at least not physically. I’m achy, my joints are stiff, and my range of motion is limited. Simple tasks have taken on a new complexity that, frankly, is ridiculous.

If you’ve been with me for a while, you may recall my fear of flying. It wasn’t the flying itself I dreaded, it was the thought that the seatbelt wouldn’t fit. It didn’t. At least I came armed with the knowledge that requesting a seatbelt extender isn’t really that big a deal, except in your own mind. It does get easier, though, you’ve just got to own it. The problem is, I don’t want to own it.

I also don’t want to own the fact that I don’t always fit in booths at restaurants. This reality escapes the skinny little hostesses who seat us, and my mother, who likes booths for some reason. In a chair I’m in charge of my own destiny.

While we’re on the topic of sitting, even that has changed. The larger a person gets, the more difficult it becomes to sit in a ladylike manner. Think of a Teddy bear sitting. His legs automatically open wide, it’s the way he’s  designed. Well, as a person gets bigger, that’s what starts happening, at least it has to me. That makes keeping my already ample legs in my own airline seat difficult.

It also makes getting a pedicure a challenge (but it’s pretty much a necessity since reaching my toes is difficult enough without the added pressure of trying to make them look good). The sweet young women who work on my feet have no idea how difficult it is for me to maintain the position they put me in. I’m pretty sure they think I’m stupid, stubborn, or a combination of the two.

Even sitting in a chaise lounge in Mom’s backyard has gotten difficult. First there’s the fear that I’ll snap one of the ancient straps. It could happen to anyone, but I’m the one who’s fat, so I would never hear the end of it if that actually happened. Then there’s getting back up. The other day I was out there alone and I tried it. I just couldn’t quite figure out how to get up from that chair without flipping it or breaking my neck. Eventually I did it, but I was glad I was alone. I think I’ll read in a different chair from now on.

One year ago these were not real issues to me. Sadly they are now. So what’s next? Part of me is tempted to skip my upcoming physical because I know it won’t be pleasant, but I won’t. Maybe it will be the kick in the pants I need.

Author: BulgingButtons

I'm a middle aged woman doing the things that middle aged women do and trying not to beat myself up. I'm living the life I choose with the man I love, the teenage son who impresses me all the time, and the most adorable pup ever rescued from the euthanasia list. We live in the heat of the Southwest, where I regularly sweat through my Lane Bryant bras.

8 thoughts on “Crossing the Line 

  1. I feel ya girl!! You are brave. And I can relate. I’m feeling larger than ever and it sucks. If you see me, knock the donut out of my hand and I will do the same for you. 🙂

  2. Great read Heidi….kudos to you for not skipping the physical! You may have changed over the last year in outward appearance as well as struggles physically but your spirit of not allowing your weight to dictate your worthiness as a person still reigns! After all how silly is it to feel one has to be of a particular weight in order to deserve to love ourselves enough to take proper medical care of our health!

  3. We need to come up with a plan to help each other get in better shape.

  4. You are incredibly strong putting your feelings into words, believe me I know it is not easy, especially if you are feeling this way, but keep your head held high// Love pizza lover xoxo

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