eating | BulgingButtons

November 25, 2014
by BulgingButtons 7 Comments

A Fat Person’s Guide to Thanksgiving

It’s coming up soon, the ultimate nod to American gluttony, Thanksgiving.

This is the day that we fat people look forward to all year. This is our big moment. This is our time to shine. And shine, we do.

While the skinny people are feeling miserable and bloated, we’re cruising past the buffet for another spoonful of stuffing, and while we’re there we might get some more mashed potatoes and gravy too. When they suggest a walk around the block after dinner we smile and say, “no thanks,” then send them on their way. We don’t need to make room for pie, we’ve been in training for this event all year.

In fact, Thanksgiving is the official kick-off to the feasting season. Halloween was the unofficial kick-off, with just candy on the menu. Thanksgiving, however, is the real deal, from cheese balls to three kinds of pie. You think I’m kidding? We’re having apple, pumpkin, and pecan this year at our house, and there are just three of us.

This is the season for cookie walks and pot-lucks and cocktail parties and gifts of food. Work parties and neighborhood parties and family parties and friend parties pop up nearly every weekend, each of them with their own carefully selected menu designed to tempt your taste buds.

This is not the season to decide to lose weight. It is not the season to dust off your old Weight Watchers materials and go back to meetings. This is not the season to decide that all of a sudden resisting all your favorite foods will magically happen. But that’s what I did.

Ok, I admit it, maybe it wasn’t the smartest move. Here’s the thing, though, if I hold myself accountable maybe I’ll gain less weight than I would have otherwise. And if I get struck by lightning or amazingly inspired, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that I could actually lose a pound or two. How cool would that be?

So here’s my fat person’s guide to Thanksgiving:

1. Enjoy your family and friends

2. Eat what you like

3. Talk and laugh more than you eat

4. Take a break from the food to move (go on the walk with the skinny relatives!)

5. Enjoy it for what it is, possibly the best food day of the year

6. Move on when it’s over

This is my advice to myself, and to anyone else who cares to join me. Whatever approach you take, I hope you enjoy it and don’t beat yourself up. After all, Thanksgiving is about gratitude, not guilt.

November 23, 2014
by BulgingButtons 2 Comments

Damn You, Holiday Oreo Cookies

Last week I went back to Weight Watchers, for the who-knows-how-many-ith time. All week I’ve done fairly well with my food choices, with just a bit of slipping up here and there. The truth is, old habits are very hard to break. Still, I was feeling pretty good about my choices until just a few minutes ago.

That’s when they got me. Those damn, damn Oreos.

I should have thrown them out when I went back to Weight Watchers, but I figured someone else would eat them. Nobody did. They sat untouched for nearly a week, until tonight.

Tonight’s dinner was uninspired. I stir-fried a bag of vegetables and added in some white meat chicken. It was fabulously simple, and it took almost no time to do (the chicken was already cooked). The sauce that came with the vegetables was good, and the meal looked and smelled delicious. The flavor, however, just wasn’t quite there. Maybe it was the chicken, I don’t know. It just didn’t quite taste as good as it seemed like it should have. Still, I ate my veggies and felt pretty good about my meal. For about five minutes.

Then I went looking for something else, something to finish off the meal. I opened the pantry, and there they were. I reasoned that my dinner was ultra-healthful so why not have some? Well, because I’m no good at “some.” Several cookies later, they were gone. So is any progress toward weight loss that I may have made this week. That’s not good, since Thanksgiving is coming up quickly. Oh well, Oreos happen. I have to just move on, and keep those damn, damn Oreos out of my house.

September 16, 2014
by BulgingButtons 8 Comments

A Fat Fighting Fork?

Image from the HAPIfork website

Straight from the, “I never saw that coming,” file- let me introduce you to the HAPIfork. You’ve never seen anything quite like it.

It’s an eating utensil!

No! It’s a data input device!!

No!! It’s a behavior modification tool!!!

Truth be told, I think it’s all of those things. It’s almost like a fork with a brain and an attitude, on a mission to save the world from fatties like me (and maybe you too).

From what I gathered from my quick visit to their website, this thing is designed to make you a amore mindful eater. If you eat too fast, you’re gonna get it. Get what? Some sort of response from the fork. The website makes it sound like it’ll vibrate or something, but what I’m imagining is a zap to the tongue.

Now let me put in the disclaimer that I haven’t used this fork (at around a hundred dollars I have no plans to, either) so I don’t know exactly what kind of feedback it gives, but clearly it does something. The only thing I want my fork to do is get food from my plate to my mouth in a reasonably efficient manner.

Can you imagine life with this fork?

1. Set the table with your HAPIfork (which resembles an overgrown toddler utensil).

2. Eat carefully, trying not to piss off the fork so as not to incur its wrath.

3. Disassemble said fork for cleaning.

4. Take the “brains” portion of the fork to the computer to download data.

5. Reassemble the fork so it’s ready for the next time you want to play fork roulette.

No thanks. I’m perfectly capable of showering myself with guilt, should I choose. I don’t need an expensive, inconvenient utensil to do it for me.