BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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Sixteen Years Ago Tonight

16thbday-297x300Sixteen years ago tonight I was in my second long day of labor.

Sixteen years ago tonight I watched my then husband and my then mother-in-law play cards as they waited.

Sixteen years ago tonight I walked around the outside of the hospital grounds in two surgical gowns (one open in back, the other open in front) and a pair of tennis shoes.

Sixteen years ago tonight I was vaguely aware of the inaugural game of the Arizona Diamondbacks baseball team.

Sixteen years ago tonight there was a commercial for a pesticide company on tv featuring a kitchen infested with roaches. I detest roaches.

Sixteen years ago tonight I was actually happy to have someone insert a needle into my back.

Sixteen years ago tonight I told my then husband that next time he would go through this experience instead of me. There was no next time.

Sixteen years ago tonight I worried that a child born on April First might be teased.

Sixteen years ago tonight I felt myself drifting above myself and hated the feeling. It passed before too long.

Sixteen years ago tonight I was attached to a heart rate monitor.

Sixteen years ago tonight the nurse couldn’t find a suitable vein in my arm so she used my hand and gave me a tremendous bruise.

Sixteen years ago tonight my mother and father came out in the middle of the night to see their first grandchild.

Sixteen years ago tonight I visualized my happy place, a warm jacuzzi surrounded by palm trees and clear blue skies.

Sixteen years ago tonight I was almost ready to give up on labor and ask for a c-section.

Sixteen years ago tonight I found my strength. I would need it for the days my baby was in the NICU.

Sixteen years ago tonight I thought I was ready.

Sixteen years ago tonight March became April, and I became a mother.


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Stuck on Hope

My boy ten years ago.

My boy ten years ago.

I have this writing assignment that I have to do. It’s way overdue. In fact the course ended. Still, I want to do the assignment. My teacher is a friend and amazing writer herself. She has been overly patient with me. Maybe I need a swift kick in the rear to get it done. I WANT to get it done. I just can’t seem to do it.

I think I’m stuck on the prompt. The focus of the class is using the experience of parenthood as a framework for writing. The particular prompt I’m stuck on is “hope.” It seems too big. It seems too vague. How on earth do I even poke a stick at this one?

I imagine that the idea is to form some sort of concrete response to the prompt as it applies to my son. I tried this approach, but it seemed stilted and dishonest. Yes, I have lots of hopes for him, but they all came out as a kind of bland pablum. I couldn’t bring any passion to the piece. It worried me.

Am I a bad mother? Do I truly believe the things I  wrote? Why wasn’t there any fire to the piece? It could have been written by any parent for any child. It didn’t seem connected to me or my son at all. In fact, it seemed as impersonal as a piece of trendy wall art picked up from the local craft store. You know the ones with the pithy sayings? Of course you do. You may even have them in your home. If you do, I’m sorry for not agreeing with your design aesthetic. Live, Laugh, Love. Yeah, right. If only it were that easy. Some days it just isn’t.

What it boils down to is this, I hope he knows, really knows deep in his core, that I love him and that I’ve always done the best I could for him. I hope he understands that although I mess up in a hundred different ways every single day, I believe that the choices I make are ones that will ultimately help him to be a successful person. I hope he figures out all the stupid stuff that life throws at him, and I hope he manages, somehow, to get his grades up so he has as many options for his future as possible. I hope he understands that he has options. Maybe that’s not personal enough, but it feels pretty personal to me.

I hope that boy grows to be a man that the boy can admire. I hope he remembers his worth and his sense of kindness and his playfulness. I hope he navigates acne and braces and learning to drive and making smart choices without too many permanent scars. I hope his life is rich and fulfilling. I hope he loves and is loved deeply. I know, it’s starting to sound sappy again. I can’t help it. I love that boy. I hope, no matter what comes his way, he always remembers that.


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February Focus – Sell This House

It’s time to move on. This has been a great home for us, and we have it almost the way I want it, but it’s time to go.

for-sale-signWhen I first saw this house in the summer of 2011 I was newly divorced and needed a place to call home for me, the boy, and the dog. My budget was tight, and my list of  must haves was firm. I needed a safe neighborhood. I needed a commute that wouldn’t kill me. I needed a certain amount of space.  And I needed a pool. Yes, really. It’s hot here and I actually enjoy exercising in the water. To me, it’s worth it.

There were plenty of homes on the market in my price range, but they had needs too. They needed appliances. They needed new roofs. They needed new air conditioning units. They needed to be completely gutted because the previous owners left angry. I saw things I never thought I would see. I saw a kitchen where every door and drawer had been opened, including the oven door, and a can of paint had been splashed over every surface, inside and out, from ceiling to floor. I saw a house where every light fixture had been ripped down. I saw a house where the toilets had been smashed. I saw a house with a spray painted wall sharing the previous owner’s feeling toward a particular bank. I saw a house with multiple holes drilled through every single door, including cabinet doors. It was disheartening.

Then I saw my house listed. The picture online was pretty. We got in to see it right away. It was empty; bank owned. It was in a nice area, it was bright and open, and it had a pool. Yes, the backyard was tiny, but less to maintain. The house was more or less more in ready. I had seen enough. I knew this was the one and I had to move fast. Negotiations began, and we got the ball rolling. That was in August. I moved in the week before Christmas in a move that can be best described as a nightmare. My furniture and belongings were held hostage on the truck as the movers demanded cash, although I confirmed that they would accept credit. That was only part of the nightmare, but I’ve put it behind me. We settled in and began making it a home.

In the meantime I started dating my sweetheart. In fact I met him while I was house hunting. I had no idea that he and I would build a life together. This house was purchased for me, the boy, and the dog.

Things change. Last spring it became clear that it was silly for us to continue to maintain two households. He moved in with us, and we have all adjusted nicely. Especially the dog. Last summer we talked about the possibility of moving. I poked around and saw a couple of houses, but the pickings were slim and the idea of another move was daunting. I shelved the idea. We would make this house work for all of us. It was fine. In fact, it was nice. It is nice.

So why do I want to sell? The thing is, not too long ago the vacant lot on the other side of the street from me became a construction zone. Oh. It’s behind a block wall, and it wouldn’t be accessible from our street, but we would see it. Every day. It’s time to move.

The market has changed. My house is worth more. We have two incomes. It’s time.

The house is in good condition, but there are a few little things that need to be dealt with. We’re dealing with them. Today included a new towel bar, a new light fixture, the removal of a tv dish that we never used, and some yard work. A trip to Home Depot is in order, and some calking should make for a hot date night. I’m excited and nervous all at once. If you know anyone who needs a great house in a nice neighborhood with a view of a temporary construction site, please send them my way. Oh, and keep your fingers crossed for me.