Not bad for a fat girl


Feeling Better Already

I’m not sure if it was the two-week vacation or the plan that my health care provider and I put into place, or maybe a combination of the two, but I’m feeling so much better. My outlook has improved, my energy has increased, and in general things are looking up. Not that they were awful before; they weren’t. But wow, I really do feel better. In fact I feel more like myself.

I also feel like I’m ready to start taking care of myself again. I’ve been moving more, which actually feels pretty good. Additionally, my house is full of fresh fruits and vegetables, and I’m enjoying them. Moderation is the word of the day, although it’s been a bugaboo for me in the past.

I’m pretty sure there’s something messed up with the pleasure sensors in my brain. It seems that when they’re activated they completely override the the satiation function. It works like this:

me: Yum, this is delicious. I’ll just have a bit.65190869-stock-vector-fat-glutton-ginger-cat-with-empty-bowl-on-white-background-vector-illustration.jpg

also me: This is SO good. KEEP EATING.

me: Well, maybe just a little more.


me: I’m full. I need to stop eating this.

also me: Are you kidding? This is TOO GOOD. DON’T STOP.

me: I ate it all. I feel awful. Why do I do this?

also me: But it was SO GOOD.

See how that works? It’s counterproductive, to say the least. At the moment, though, it seems to be in check. I mean, who’s going to go nuts over plums?

Anyway, tomorrow it’s back to school for teachers, and the beginning of a brand new school year. It’s a perfect time for a fresh start, so here I am, ready to go.

Enjoy your summer, or what’s left of it, and imagine me and my kiddos back in school (it’s so early!!!)



I’m Okay, But What Does Depression Really Look Like?

There’s been so much talk about mental health in general and depression specifically recently that I’m questioning what depression really looks like. I know some general information about depression, like that it has nothing to do with how fabulous your life seems to be from the outside. Cruel, isn’t it? You can work hard, do your best, love and be loved, and yet still be depressed. An outsider might envy your life, when in reality you are struggling just to get through the day.

I’m not struggling to get through my days, thank goodness. My life is pretty great, in fact. I have a terrific kid, a loving relationship, great family, good friends, a career I enjoy, a comfortable home, I’m well educated, I have interests and connections, and yet…

94923.original-6151.jpgSomething just feels kind of off. I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I know I should. I haven’t been exercising. I’ve been eating terribly. I’ve been feeling sort of detatched, if that makes any sense. I have time on my hands and I feel like I’m just wasting it. I’m tired for no reason. I’m achy. I’m taking my medications, so I don’t think it’s my body. Is it my mind? Am I depressed? Why would I be? But something isn’t right.

When I think of depression I think of someone who is overwhelmingly sad. That’s not me. I think of someone who has difficulty functioning. That’s not me. But then again it wasn’t some of the well-known people who recently died by suicide. NO. I am not suicidal. I am simply out of sorts, and I don’t like it. I’m usually pretty chill, with a side of optimism, but recently I’ve been more “meh.” I’d like to shake that off, and get back to feeling like myself. Maybe I just need to exercise more, I do know it helps a person’s outlook. But maybe there’s something more. I’m just not sure.

Tomorrow I have my annual check up. It should be super-fun. This, of course, is sarcasm. I don’t enjoy my check up, and I don’t know many people who do. This one will be particularly bad, because I know I haven’t taken care of myself the way I should have. I’m supposed to be losing weight, but I’m certain I’ve gained. I imagine I’ll get scolded for that. UGH. I think I better talk to my provider about my state of mind. Maybe he can help. Talking about it is a step in the right direction, anyway, at least I think it is. Wish me luck.


Repost: Use Your Words

This is a repost from last year. I think the message bears repeating.


“Sticks and Stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

Surely you’ve heard this phrase before, maybe it was one you used yourself as a child when some horrible bully called you names like fatty, Godzilla, or, my personal bane, Pillsbury Dough Girl. Fine, you thought, call me names, but Karma’s a bitch and she’ll get you. Ok, you probably weren’t thinking that at all, since you probably had no clue what Karma was. Also, if you’re anything like me, you probably didn’t have a very thick skin when you were a kid. the-pillsbury-doughboy-new2My whole life my brother has told me I’m too sensitive. This is the brother who has zero recollection of ever calling me “fatty” but it’s ok, we’re good now.

The thing is, words do hurt. To this day a careless word from someone close to me can be cutting. I try to let it slide, I try to look at the big picture and know that these people who sometimes hurt me with their words don’t mean to, but even now that’s difficult for me. Do I have low self esteem? Is the pope Catholic? Of course I do. I’m a fat girl. That doesn’t make me a pitiful creature unable to function, but I do get my feeling hurt a little too easily.

Here’s my rallying cry. Let’s try to use our words for good and not evil. Let’s try to build one another up rather than tear each other down. The internet is a big wide world, let’s choose our messages carefully because they don’t go away. Lofty goal, I know. I put as much crap out into cyberspace as the next person, but I hope to at least offer some messages of encouragement and hope to others. I challenge you to be mindful of the words you choose, as a careless comment can have a lasting negative impact. We teach kids, “use your words,” but maybe we need to add in the word, “kindly.”