Nightmares | BulgingButtons

What frightens you? Just about everything frightens me. I credit that to growing up in a household where my mother was just sure that everyone and everything was out to get us. As the old saying goes, “Just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you.”

When I was a kid I would memorize shifty-looking people’s faces in line at the bank, in case the sketch artist needed my information after they robbed the place. In restaurants I would scope out the exits and calculate the path to the kitchen from our table. I even had a plan for a home invasion- I would hide under my bed. Clever, right?

As I grew up, I outgrew a lot of these fears, but I still startle easily and I still have no problem envisioning worst case scenarios. I don’t dwell on these things, though, at least not during the daylight hours. In my sleep, though, sometimes my fears get the best of me.

Last night, for example, I woke up sweating, with my heart pounding. What was the source of this terror? A bad dream, of course. But it wasn’t just bad, it was terrifying. When I think about it, I’m not sure why it was so scary. Let me tell you the dream, or what I remember of it.

I was someplace semi-public (the synagogue I visited last weekend comes to mind) and I was in a restroom stall there. I saw a pair of legs and feet on the other side of the door that I recognized as one of my nephews. I asked him what he was doing in the ladies room, but he didn’t answer. Instead he walked out and turned off the light. I was plunged into complete darkness. I kept calling his name for him to come back and turn on the light, but he didn’t come. That was it. That was what woke me up terrified. Crazy, right?

In real life I’m not afraid of my nephew, and I’ve been in a restroom where someone has turned off the light. It didn’t incite panic in me. I’m sure I had my purse with me in the dream and could have used my phone to light the way, or even if not I could have figured out how to get out or even waited a few minutes until someone else came in and turned the light on. By the light of the day, my rational mind doesn’t see this scenario as too big of a deal, but in my dream state it was terrifying.

What do you think? Have I lost my mind? Am I afraid of being left in the dark? What does this dream, and my extreme reaction to it, mean about me? Any guesses are welcome. Also, I’m curious to know, what scares you when you turn out the lights?

I’ve just woken up from my second vivid dream, nightmare really, involving driving on the freeway. Ok, I’m listening. I will slow down. I will pay meticulous attention. I do not wish to live out either scenario, although the second is far preferable to the first.

Nightmare number 1: I’m driving along on a familiar freeway, in the middle lane, going south. My attention is diverted for a split second. I look up and there is a man standing by the driver’s door of his stalled white pickup truck directly in front of me. I’m going too fast. I wake up.

Nightmare number 2: I’m riding with my mother on an unfamiliar freeway (impossible, she doesn’t drive on freeways). In the middle distance I notice cars are having trouble with a high point in the road. As we get to this spot the minivan ahead of us goes airborn. We see the bottom of the van looming in front of us. They manage to land. Mom manages to stop without it hitting us. Both of us badly shaken, I talk her through pulling off to the side so nobody hits us. Nobody does. I tell her she saved our lives. The back of the minivan opens. There is a dog crate in the back and kids in the seats. I think everyone is ok. I wake up.

For me, this is the real stuff of nightmares. I don’t generally dream of monsters or aliens. Usually I have pleasant dreams, but sometimes I dream of the things I fear. I fear getting into a bad accident. I will be careful. I will listen to my dreams, even when they are awful.