May | 2014 | BulgingButtons

May 13, 2014
by BulgingButtons 6 Comments

So Relieved It’s Not Just Me

I always think that I’m the only one who does things that are less than smooth, although I know that isn’t the case. Still, when someone I admire messes up, it kind of makes me do a little happy dance. Not big mess ups, mind you, I’m not like that. It’s just the little flubs that happen to everyone from time to time that put a smile on my face.

Hopefully it’s not because I’m a real jerk, although it might be. I don’t think so, though. I think it’s because those little goof ups remind me that I’m not alone in my imperfection. Naturally I knew this, but somehow these little reminders from time to time help me keep my own mess ups in perspective.

You see, I don’t think anything less of my friends and colleagues when they have little lapses in common sense, but I do tend to get down on myself. I mentally scold myself for being clumsy, or forgetful, or hasty, or what have you. Would I do that to my friends? Never! Instead, I try to help them laugh off the moment. Or I drink wine with them.

Huh?

Well, yes. Sometimes when you mess up the best thing to do is to have a glass of wine. It was tonight.

Let me explain. Tonight I went to a friend’s for dinner. There were five of us in all, and when I arrived the other four were standing on the driveway. “What a warm reception,” I thought to myself. I was wrong.

Sure, I was welcomed warmly, but the group was outside because the hostess managed to lock herself out as she was sweeping the porch in preparation for our arrival. Oops. Naturally her phone was inside and her husband was out of town. So was her neighbor with the spare key. Uh oh.

The locksmith was stuck in traffic, it was a beautiful evening, and a kind neighbor (who earlier tried to pick the lock… what?) brought over a corkscrew and some plastic cups. Off to the back patio we went, bottles of wine in hand (who goes to a friend’s for dinner without wine?). It ended up being a lovely cocktail hour and after we got inside, a lovely dinner.

My friend handled the situation with grace, and a laugh. What else can you do? Beat yourself up over a simple mistake? But that’s what we do to ourselves. We could all relax a little, sit back with our glass of wine and take a deep breath as remember that after all, we’re only human.

May 11, 2014
by BulgingButtons 15 Comments

I Never Wanted to Be a Part Time Mother

For those of you who celebrate, Happy Mother’s Day. For those of you for whom Mother’s Day rips open your heart, I’m so very sorry. And for the rest of you, well, happy Sunday.

Growing up I would go on hospital rounds with my father to see his patients. The nurses thought it was cute, and would often ask me if I was going to be a nurse when I grew up. They never thought to ask me if I was going to be a doctor. Anyway, I always answered no. I knew that I wasn’t cut out for healthcare, even at an early age.

I wasn’t sure what profession I wanted to pursue, even into my college years. I had some ideas of professions I wasn’t suited for, but the right one didn’t just jump out at me.

The obvious choice would have been educator, but I couldn’t do that because 1. I was too smart, and 2. I was indoctrinated to believe that “those who can, do and those who can’t, teach.” How foolish I was to believe those two falsehoods. Good thing I got over that and eventually found my calling.

This isn’t about teaching, though, it’s about growing up and becoming a mother. No matter what occupation I was headed for, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. I could picture it in my head. There would be trips to the park, and learning to read. There would be visits to the beach and working on school projects together. There would be long conversations in the car and Disney movies. I was cut out for it. Well, maybe not the baby part so much, but the rest of it.

Fast forward several years, and not only am I teaching but I have a son. He’s twelve, and I love him with my whole heart. All of the things I envisioned have come to pass, and there’s so much more ahead. Being his mother is part of the fiber of who I am. Then things change.

I did not choose divorce. I did not choose to dissolve my family. It is something that I didn’t anticipate. I didn’t fight it either, because by the time it happened it was overdue, but I would not have set those wheels in motion.
I meant my wedding vows. I’m one who hangs on to things longer than she perhaps should. Still, it happened. In many ways it was a relief. But it one way it was devastating. I would no longer be a full time mother.

How is that possible? How could I continue on as if life is normal when I’ve gone from a family unit to all alone? My son needed to be with his father some of the time, I understood that, but I hated it. When he was with his father, he wasn’t with me. He wasn’t home. He was gone. I couldn’t parent him if he wasn’t there. I didn’t choose that. My heart was ripped apart.

I could stand not being married. There were even some advantages to it. In the long run, almost four years later, it was obviously for the best, at least for me. But what about for my son? Instead of two full time parents he has two part time parents. Not the same. Not good enough, in my opinion. I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry that he doesn’t get either of us all the time. He deserves his parents. All kids do. And parents deserve their kids. At least good parents do. And I’m a good parent, just ask my son.