Dear Birth Mother,
I realize I may be too late with this message. I’m nearly 50 years old, and you, of course, are older. I realize your life may have already come to an end, but I hope not. I hope you are alive and well and surrounded by loved ones. I hope life has been good to you and for you. I hope you have made a contribution to the world and you are satisfied with your place in it. I especially hope you feel at peace with the decision you made to give me up.
I don’t know much about the events surrounding my birth and adoption. They are closely guarded secrets, although I don’t know exactly why. Even if I am the result of the most scandalous events, they are beyond my control, so why do I need to be shielded from them? I’m just the end result, not the cause of any bad behavior or pain.
Birth mother, perhaps you could shed some light on my origins. Am I the result of an affair? A rape? Incest? Or am I the product of a bleary one-night-stand or an abusive relationship? Maybe you struggled with mental illness or lived in poverty. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change who I am. I just wonder. I just want to know.
Maybe none of those scenarios apply. Maybe you were in love with my birth father but the situation was impossible, for whatever reason. Or maybe you just didn’t want to be a parent at that point in your life. I can accept that too. I can accept anything, because the truth is better than not knowing.
I wonder about you, birth mother. I wonder what you look like and what makes you laugh. I wonder if you have an unhealthy relationship with food like I do. I wonder if you have other children-my brothers or sisters. I wonder if you like to create or if you have an inquisitive mind. I wonder if you’re Irish or German in origin and what type of music you enjoy. I wonder what your voice sounds like, and what your smile looks like.
I wonder if you would like me.
I wonder if you think about me on Mother’s Day and my birthday. I think about you on those days, and on many other days.
Birth mother, do you know who I am? Did you ever see me as I was growing up? Did you know my parents before they became my parents? Did you live in the same town and shop at the same stores? Did you see my wedding announcement in the newspaper? Have you checked out my Facebook page or my Twitter feed or even read this blog?
Does anyone in your world know about me? Or have I been kept secret all these years?
Nearly 50 years of secrets. That’s a long time.
I just want to thank you for being my first mother, and for allowing me to have the life I’ve had. I’d love to hear from you. In the meantime, know I’m thinking of you and I wish you happiness and peace.
Happy Mother’s Day.
With love, your daughter.
May 8, 2016 at 9:05 am
I had to fight with my tears while reading… and I hope you will get all the answers… Hugs and a wonderful Mothers Day to you.
May 8, 2016 at 9:10 am
You are too kind. xo
May 8, 2016 at 9:17 am
wonderful and happy mother’s day to you and yours –
May 8, 2016 at 9:17 am
Thank you so much. Likewise! xo
May 8, 2016 at 9:42 am
What a beautifully post. I love the sane attitude you have to your adoption. Your curiosity as to who your mother is, is completely natural. I am sure her reasons for letting you go were for your and her own good. Obviously your adoptive parents loved you and raised you beautifully. Happy Mother’s Day to you too.
May 8, 2016 at 9:45 am
Thank you for your kind words. I wouldn’t change a thing about my life. xo
May 8, 2016 at 12:06 pm
Reblogged this on Lifting Taboos and commented:
Very deep! Thank you.
May 8, 2016 at 12:09 pm
Thanks for the reblog.
May 8, 2016 at 11:14 pm
May 29, 2016 at 6:34 pm
Thank you so much for reading and especially for the hugs!
May 29, 2016 at 9:24 pm
🙂 I love reading what you write 🙂
(Sometimes I don’t have the words/time to write a ‘proper’ word-y repĺy)
May 9, 2016 at 6:35 am
Wonderfully honest and joyfully painfully (if that makes any sense).
May 29, 2016 at 6:34 pm
What a lovely response. Thank you for reading and commenting.
May 9, 2016 at 8:00 am
Dear Heidi-I wish I could somehow put your mind to rest but I can only offer my friendship and deep understanding. I only know how beautiful and creative you are and what a good mom and friend you are. I found out when I was 51 that I was that “I” word. I knew my mother had mental problems and I only met her at age 14 and sporadically only after that. I hear you so clearly. Much love and blessings. Pat
May 29, 2016 at 6:37 pm
You always know just what to say. Love to you, my dear friend.
May 9, 2016 at 7:19 pm
Kind words. I can’t give the same to mine… but you have a good heart. Well done.
May 29, 2016 at 6:36 pm
Thank you. I’m sorry your experience has been so painful. We don’t always get the happy ending we seek, I’m afraid. I appreciate your time and kind comment.