BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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Daily Prompt: Eye of the Beholder

Describe what it feels like to hear a beautiful piece of music or see a stunning piece of art.

Beauty surrounds us, yet it seldom stops us. When we allow ourselves the luxury of slowing down we begin to see real beauty everywhere. A perfectly shaped pear is beautiful. A baby’s laugh is beautiful. The hum of a meticulously restored vintage car engine is beautiful. We need only take time to filter out the junk in our world to notice. Too often, though, we don’t have that ability or even the predisposition to try. We are preoccupied with the nuts and bolts of daily living, and the thought of purposefully seeking out beauty seems like a waste of precious time. Time that could be spent grocery shopping, doing laundry, or playing Candy Crush Saga.

At one particularly low period in my life I made it a point to seek out at least one thing each day that made me smile. I would then text these observations to a dear (and patient) friend. Finding the smile each day was meaningful, but sharing it strengthened my connection to the world at large. I remember the man with the giant blue tattoo over half of his face and the woman with turquoise hair pedaling her retro bike down the street. Those may not have been images of beauty in a traditional sense, but they gave me pause, and ultimately I was glad that I had seen them and shared them.

Unlike those everyday experiences, sometimes beauty hits us over the head. It is so powerful that it stops us in our tracks and causes everything else to melt away. Sitting in a symphony hall you can be immediately removed from the hundreds of other patrons, left alone with the piece of music washing over your soul. In the sight of a magnificent sunset the rush of the day fades and you are left feeling serene. Gazing at the work of a master painter you are taken to another level of awareness, lost in the interplay of light and dark, line and form, symbol and message.

These works that transfix you operate within you on  a deeply satisfying level. You are happy to be lost in them. Your life pauses as you allow yourself to be moved. Rarely do you analyze these experiences as they happen, you simply live in them and allow yourself to just BE. After that moment has faded, the piece has ended, the sun has set, you may revisit it and ask why it was so powerful. What about that arrangement made it so haunting? How did the artist manage to capture that light? There’s nothing wrong with this analysis. In fact, if we seek to create beauty imitation is a logical place to begin.However, when you first experience true heart stopping beauty, your mind rests and your heart fills, and your soul can’t help but feel at peace.


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Please Save Your Good Advice

Low carb, no carb, eat all the carbs you want, it really depends on who you ask, doesn’t it? I’ve eaten for my blood type, counted my points, and gone walking with Jenny’s cassette tapes in my pseudo-walkman. I learned how they eat in South Beach, and I’ve consumed gallons of cabbage soup, which I happen to like very much. Still, I’m fat. I’m fat because my head and my heart just aren’t buying it. Whatever the current craze is, I’m not likely to be on board, at least not all the way.

I know I need to eat better, but for me the idea of fat substitutes or gluten free anything sends chills down my spine. The thought of tracking down stevia and recreating recipes completely repels me.  Even fruits and vegetables are a little difficult for me to make peace with. I’m not a complete non-believer though. Here are the things I do know I need to do:

1. eat less crapjumbo_shot57479340

2. eat more good stuff

3. exercise more

That’s about it. Simple. But the fact is that for whatever reason, no matter how simple it may be,  it’s not easy. I have so many bad habits that breaking them seems an impossible task. Not only that, but new bad habits threaten at every turn. An addiction to gas station brand bagged cinnamon bear candy comes to mind. Yes, really. Where has this delight been all my life? And why do I like it so much? And why, once I open the bag, do I feel the need to eat every last one of those deliciously soft and chewy-spicy red bears? I know there are people who actually close the bag up and save some for later, but that’s not me.

In my defense, though, I have played around with exercise more in the past several months than in any of my previous attempts at body (and mind) reshaping. Yes, it’s still really difficult for me, and yes, I totally suck at it and don’t want to do it, but I do. Now don’t go telling me which exercise I’m going to love, because I will probably shut down and only hear the Charlie Brown teacher voice. Feel free to tell me what you love, though, in a non-threatening way, of course. I’m glad you’re a runner and did several miles along the canal. I envy you that. Crossfit is your thing? Fabulous. You’re a monster and I bow to you, and no, there’s no sarcasm in that statement, in case you weren’t sure. I enjoy hearing how others truly enjoy working their bodies, and I hope some of that positive spirit will rub off on me.

So even though I enjoy hearing about your bike race and your new personal best time, I won’t be joining you for hot yoga or spin class anytime soon. Do they even still do spin class? I’m still such a novice at moving my body that my workouts haven’t yet evolved past my front door. That’s ok. I’ll get there. Just please don’t push me, I’ll do it when I’m good and ready.


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You’re Not My Friend (the Sometimes Sting of Motherhood)

I need you, Mom. I know that since I’ve become a teenager I act like I don’t, but really I do. I need you to take me to school and sign my permission slips and pay for sports. I need you to clean up after me and buy me clothes and make sure I get to the orthodontist. laundry-1024x808I need you to take me to the doctor if I’m sick, and make sure I take my medicine. I need you to make sure I have a comfortable bed and tasty food and the latest video games and cable television. I need you to go grocery shopping so I can have snacks I like and I need you to pack my lunch, whether or not I feel like eating it.  I can’t possibly be expected to do all those things for myself.

Sometimes I have projects; then I need you to drop everything and take me to the office supply store to get poster-board or chart paper or a glue stick. Sometimes I have clubs after school, then I need you to pick me up at a different time, and oh, by the way, can you drop off my friend at his house too? imagesSometimes I forget my book at school or at Dad’s or somewhere else so I need you to take me there, unless it’s too late. Then I need you to listen to how I didn’t know I needed it but I really do need it and I need you to believe that it’s not my fault that I have an impossible problem.

But you know what I need most of all? I need you to be my Mom. I need you to understand that sometimes I’m going to be a jerk, but I still love you. I need you to understand that you’re not the same age as me, and it’s embarrassing when you try to act like you are.  I need you to be nosy and know where I am and what I’m doing, even when I hate you for it. I need you to say no, and I need you to protect me from my own stupidity. I need you to know that just because I keep my distance from you, I still know I’m your kid, and I still know that you love me. I need you, Mom, more than I will ever admit.