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March 15, 2015
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A Shot of Pepto for Breakfast and Nothing to Wear

Today is Sunday. It’s the last day of my glorious Spring Break. I say glorious not because of all the wonderful things I did or accomplished over said break. I say glorious because it gave me a chance to rest, which I desperately needed. Apparently I still need it.

Frankly I’m a little worried about going back to school tomorrow. All the little ones will be recharged and ready to go, but I’m still drained. I feel a bit like my old cell phone battery, I need to be powered up more and more regularly and I lose my charge faster. This illness, whatever it is, has knocked me out. Still coughing (less though, thankfully) and still low energy, but now a new twist… yep, tummy troubles.

Seriously, I slept relatively well, thanks to Mr. Nyquil and his magic medicine, but this morning was just no fun. I stumbled into the bathroom expecting the same old routine, but nope, surprise! My insides rebelled. At least I was in the right place at the right time. Mmm, nothing like some delicious, pink, Pepto Bismol to get the day started.

Eventually I managed to pull myself together enough to shower. A few minutes later I found myself standing in my closet faced with the remnants and reminders of a smaller me. Granted, not a much smaller me, but still. As my eyes darted around, the seeds of panic began to take hold. I had nothing to wear.

“Calm down, it’s not a work day, you have options,” I told myself.

“Like what? Pajamas?!” I answered with maximum snark.

I took a deep breath and reminded myself that I wouldn’t talk to a friend like that, so I shouldn’t talk to myself that way. Then this gem slipped out of my brain,

“Oh shut up, you need to face facts, you’re a whale.”

Ouch.

I grabbed a cute (huge) brown beaded tank top and a pair of (giant) olive-green (stretchy) shorts and got the hell out of there.

Note to self: Maybe it’s the only the Pepto talking, but stop being so MEAN to yourself!

other note to self: Do Your LAUNDRY! There are clothes in there that fit.

last note to self: Maybe it’s time to pick up a couple of pieces for the spring wardrobe.

Maybe I do need to go back to work. At least my dresses still fit.

P.S. Well no wonder. Today is March 15, the Ides of March. My father, who was not a superstitious man, always warned about the Ides of March. I know it’s from Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, and that there’s no logical foundation to it, but I still hear my father saying, “Beware the Ides of March.” Maybe I’ll just stay in today.

November 25, 2014
by BulgingButtons 7 Comments

A Fat Person’s Guide to Thanksgiving

It’s coming up soon, the ultimate nod to American gluttony, Thanksgiving.

This is the day that we fat people look forward to all year. This is our big moment. This is our time to shine. And shine, we do.

While the skinny people are feeling miserable and bloated, we’re cruising past the buffet for another spoonful of stuffing, and while we’re there we might get some more mashed potatoes and gravy too. When they suggest a walk around the block after dinner we smile and say, “no thanks,” then send them on their way. We don’t need to make room for pie, we’ve been in training for this event all year.

In fact, Thanksgiving is the official kick-off to the feasting season. Halloween was the unofficial kick-off, with just candy on the menu. Thanksgiving, however, is the real deal, from cheese balls to three kinds of pie. You think I’m kidding? We’re having apple, pumpkin, and pecan this year at our house, and there are just three of us.

This is the season for cookie walks and pot-lucks and cocktail parties and gifts of food. Work parties and neighborhood parties and family parties and friend parties pop up nearly every weekend, each of them with their own carefully selected menu designed to tempt your taste buds.

This is not the season to decide to lose weight. It is not the season to dust off your old Weight Watchers materials and go back to meetings. This is not the season to decide that all of a sudden resisting all your favorite foods will magically happen. But that’s what I did.

Ok, I admit it, maybe it wasn’t the smartest move. Here’s the thing, though, if I hold myself accountable maybe I’ll gain less weight than I would have otherwise. And if I get struck by lightning or amazingly inspired, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that I could actually lose a pound or two. How cool would that be?

So here’s my fat person’s guide to Thanksgiving:

1. Enjoy your family and friends

2. Eat what you like

3. Talk and laugh more than you eat

4. Take a break from the food to move (go on the walk with the skinny relatives!)

5. Enjoy it for what it is, possibly the best food day of the year

6. Move on when it’s over

This is my advice to myself, and to anyone else who cares to join me. Whatever approach you take, I hope you enjoy it and don’t beat yourself up. After all, Thanksgiving is about gratitude, not guilt.

November 17, 2014
by BulgingButtons 8 Comments

It’s Official – I Look Awful in Everything

Getting dressed this morning wasn’t fun. First of all there’s the issue of the weather changing. It’s chilly in the morning, and today I’ll be spending half an hour on the playground supervising the little cherubs, so I don’t want to start my day cold. Later on, though, it heats up. I don’t want to spend my afternoon melting either.

The obvious solution? Layers, of course. Except when you reach a certain size there are only so many layers you’re willing to encase yourself in. Still, I headed to my closet with the idea that I would be dressing in layers today. First I needed a base. Skirt? No, not for a playground duty morning. Pants it is. Hmmm, the dress pants are all too tight, the capris are all in the wash, and the season has passed for the brightly colored summer pants.

That leaves jeans and leggings. Jeans are usually a Friday thing, but these are nice jeans, in a dark wash with no extra stitching and a flat front. I could wear them on a Monday. On they go, along with a long coral top. I look in the mirror and am horrified. I look awful. It’s the jeans. I look like a sausage about to explode out of its denim casing. I can’t do it.

Off go the jeans, and on go the leggings. The ones I’ve been wearing off and on all weekend. Yesterday I went to the theater in them with a big white button-down shirt over the top and ballet flats. I also went to brunch in them with a big, bright orange long sleeved t-shirt and ankle boots. I love them. They’re comfortable.

As far as looks? Well, let’s put it this way, my shirt is really long. It has to be. Nobody wants to see what’s under it, or if they do, they would regret it if they actually got their wish. It’s not pretty.

I feel like I have slipped over the line into the territory where nothing looks good, but really that’s not true. I looked cute at brunch. I looked good at the theater too. Maybe instead of giving up on fashion, I should just do my laundry.