Not bad for a fat girl


Daily Passion Prompt 20: What Legacy Will I Leave?


For some reason I frequently feel like I’m totally forgettable. People I’ve met several times don’t seem to recall who I am. Have I left no impression at all? Am I invisible? Sometimes I wonder. If I don’t seem to leave much impression in life, how am I to leave any type of legacy after I’m gone?

invisible-man-shadows-pol-ubeda-4When it comes to the big picture, we are all just tiny blips on the radar screen of time. We are born, we live, we die. Most of us leave behind loved ones who will mourn and remember us, but over time they too will expire and along with them, the memory of us will die. It’s as though our lives are a flame, warm and bright but fleeting. Some of us are like tiny birthday candles, snuffed out quickly and soon forgotten. Others are a bonfire, or even a forest fire. Some lives reach millions, for better or worse, others hardly reach beyond their own front doors.

Of course I want my family to remember me with love and tenderness, and I’m sure they will, at least for a little while. I do wonder what will become of me and my memory after I’m gone, but deep down I think I know. I came from nowhere, and I will return there. I was adopted at birth, never allowed to know anything about the circumstances of my origin. I simply appeared. I believe that after I’m gone a while, I will simply disappear, forgotten from the family history, possibly relegated to a footnote, or an asterisk on a distant relative’s family tree. I was a give away for one family and an add-on for another, and as such, perhaps easily dismissed by both.

candleOutside of my family, I hope to leave a larger legacy. I hope that somewhere out in the world at least a few of my students look back fondly on their experiences in my classroom. I hope they remember that I taught them something, or tried to make some lesson memorable, or even that I was goofy and silly in class. I hope that at least one person took away something positive from their time under my care. Sadly, I feel like the odds are against me on this point too. People grow up and move on. Rarely do they remember their fourth or second grade teacher making a mark on their lives. It seems the only time they do recall these people, they do so in horror.

Maybe this is part of the reason I write and quilt and scrapbook. These are all ways for me to say, “I was here.” I may just be one of those little blips existing in a tiny space in the universe until my own flame is snuffed out, but my life is important. I live and love and dream. I can and will leave my mark on the world, and I will do my best to leave it better than it was when I arrived.


Daily Passion Prompt 10: World’s Best


 What do you think you could be amongst the BEST in the world at doing?

Chocolate_browniesThis is a horribly difficult question. I keep thinking of things that I think I’m good at, but then I start to extend that thinking into the realm of best, and I shut down. I mean come on, I make great brownies, but amongst the best in the world? That’s a stretch.

I’m a good mother, and probably the perfect mother for my own particular kid, but am I amongst the world’s best? Only on a Hallmark card, I’m afraid. There are times that I allow him to do things that maybe I shouldn’t. There are times when I should be giving him more guidance than I do. There are times when I lose my cool with him. But really, he’s fifteen. Nobody’s perfect, right? Even the world’s best mothers lose it sometimes.

0004158_heart-worlds-best-mom-mugIn terms of my other close relationships, I doubt that I rank amongst the world’s best at any of them. As a daughter, fiancée, sister, and friend, I’m sure I have plenty to be desired. I’m the one that forgets to send the birthday card. I’m the one who didn’t remember that you were having that procedure done today. I’m the one who should have called you yesterday. It’s not that I don’t care. I do. It’s just that I haven’t quite mastered putting reminders into my phone.

163427051_worlds-best-teacher-tote-bagsHow about teaching? Could I be amongst the world’s best at that? Not according to the current standards of evaluation that are in place, at least in most American public schools. Within the constricts that teachers have, and with the amount of national testing that is done, I don’t believe that the way I teach my students will ever rank at the top of the ladder, not even in my own state, let alone the entire world. Honestly, I’m okay with that. I believe in what I do with my students, but I always see areas for improvement too. I’m not in it for awards or recognition, I’m in it to educate.

Well then, how about my hobbies? Quilting and scrapbooking are both creative outlets that I enjoy, but amongst the best? Not my quilting, that’s for sure. My seams don’t always meet quite the way they’re supposed to and my attempts at machine quilting, while they are improving, have a long way to go. My scrapbooking, while it has a crisp clean style that I like, has been on the back burner for so long that I hardly consider myself a scrapbooker any more.

So that leaves the written word. Could I hone my craft to the point where I’m a serious writer? Could I practice and improve to the point where my material is not only high enough quality for publication, but of enough interest to actually make it into the hands of readers? There is a part of me that thinks I can. Again, that “world’s best” is causing me some problems, but if I tone that down a bit, I see some potential. I read. I have read many books that have left me cold and thought to myself that I could do better. The difference, however, between those authors and me is that they finished their books and got them not only published, but sold. If they could do it, certainly I can too.


Daily Passion Prompt 4: Time Stands Still


When was the last time you were in such a state of flow, that you were lost in the bliss of what you were doing?

…Almost as if time came to a momentary halt while you immersed yourself in this special thing you love to do.

…What was it that you were doing?

It’s not unusual for me to feel like time is slipping away, but it’s not usually because I’m in a state of bliss. The easiest way for me to lose track of time is to get on the internet. Pinterest, alone, can suck up hours of time that could certainly be used more productively. I enjoy it, but it’s hardly a state of bliss.

French-CafeIt’s similar when I’m quilting. I could spend several hours working on a quilt, but it may feel as if just a short time has passed. Again, it’s not a state of bliss, but it is a state of total absorption. Reading a good book, watching a good movie, or working on a scrapbook page can do the same thing. Those activities draw me in and, when all goes well, don’t let go until a long while later.

What makes time stand still, though, is spending time with friends. It can be sitting out by the pool drinking wine and catching up, a crazy road trip, or an evening of sewing or scrapbooking. When I’m with my girlfriends time takes on another dimension. I don’t worry about it and allow myself to get lost in those moments. Those moments are so rare and precious to me, just like my girlfriends.