Cancer | BulgingButtons

September 3, 2018
by BulgingButtons 4 Comments

And Just Like That, Things Can Change

What a week.

First, my sweet friend and former colleague passed away after three years of dealing with the demon known as cancer (and no, I won’t give it a capital C). My heart aches for her family, and for the many students whose lives she touched, who have experienced a significant loss, many for the first time. Our school family is hurting, especially her fifth grade son and his friends, and her kindergarten teammates, who love her very much.

I would have gone to her celebration of life, but I was dealing with a drama playing out closer to home. You see my sweetheart is in the hospital. Here’s the short version of the tale. You can’t tell him I told you. He’s a very private person.

Monday

Him: Feels like I’m sore from doing crunches. Me: You’re doing great exercising.

Tuesday

Him: This is a little annoying, but no big deal. I won’t say anything to anyone. Me: (nothing, because he’s said nothing)

Wednesday

Him: Off to work I go. I’m fine. Home from work I go. I don’t feel well. I’m going to lay down. Me: You don’t look well. Want to go to Urgent Care? Him: No.

Thursday

2 am Him: Can you stay home with me? I don’t think I can drive myself today. Me: Of course. Do you want to go to the Emergency Room? Him: No. Me: Let me call in and do sub plans.

7 am Him: Let’s go over to the doctor’s office. They’re open but don’t pick up phones until 8. Me: Ok. Doctor’s office: You can be seen at 10:10. Him: ok

10:25 am Medical professional: Go to the ER. Me: biting tongue. Him: ok.

11:00 am Emergency Room intake begins

fast forward

6:30 pm Him: pain is at 8 of 10. Surgeon: This should take about an hour, maybe an hour and a half. It depends on what we find.

7:00 pm Him: pain is unbearable. Me: I love you. I’ll see you after surgery.

10:00 pm Surgeon: It was bad. I called in a second surgeon to assist. He’s resting now. Really, it was bad. Me: thank you. hospital,_building.gif

He’s been working to recover since then, but there have been some issues that have cropped up along the way. He’s got a few hurdles to overcome, and it’s going to take time.

I’ve spent most of the past four days in the hospital with him, and I will again today. Gone are the days of restricted visitor’s hours. The health care team that works there is incredible. They are professional, hardworking, and so kind.

I’m going over there after I pay some bills. I worry about the bills, but right now that worry gets pushed to the back of my mind. I’m more concerned about his recovery. I’m also concerned and conflicted about work. Mine, not his.

My wonderful teammates made sure the sub had all she needed to teach on Thursday, then on Friday they wrote my lesson plans for me and gathered all the materials. There’s no school today, but what about tomorrow?

Should I go to school? Should I go to the hospital? Should I work now, while he’s hospitalized, knowing that he’ll need me more when he’s discharged? But what if he needs some other procedure? I want to be there.

I feel guilty about leaving my students, but I know they’ll be fine without me. Ultimately, I know he’ll be fine without me too. I feel needed yet superfluous in both situations. This is a tough one. Maybe I’ll let him make the call. Maybe.

I won’t give you the hug your loved ones thing. You already know that. I just needed to get this all out. If you’ve read it all, well, thank you.

December 3, 2013
by BulgingButtons 24 Comments

Establishing New Habits

Welcome to December. The most ~~wonderful~~ fattening time of the year. I have a confession to make. I have regained some of the weight I lost back when the blog was new. Maybe all of it. I’m afraid to get on the scale. I know, though. My clothes are tighter again and I don’t feel as energized as I did.

Oh sure, there are lots of reasons. The first and most compelling reason is the change in weather. I was in my pool nearly every day exercising and I LOVED it. Weird. But then it got cooler out and the water became too cold so there went my favorite workout. Boo hoo, poor me.

There there was my commitment to spending most of my free time in November writing. And write I did! Many many words poured from my brain through my fingertips. A post a day (sometimes more than one) and a rough draft of a novel came out of my head. Amazing. But writers need fuel (I find that Hot Tamales candy makes me particularly creative), and writing is a sedentary activity. My musings on that topic are here. Yep, I know, excuses, excuses.

So there it is. The weight is back and now it’s holiday time and frankly, I’m not feeling all too pleased with how I’ve been taking care of myself. Or rather how I haven’t been. Oh sure, November was a kick ass month and I’m thrilled with some of the results, but now December calls for some changes.

Besides being holiday time, December is the time of year when I remember a friend who died far too young. She was healthy and vibrant and wonderful and capable. She was a wife and mother and daughter and sister and creative tour de force. That bitch cancer got her and had its way with her. She begged her friends to take care of themselves as best they could. I’m not doing that. I’m sorry.

I’m not saying I want to get healthier out of fear of cancer, per se, but out of respect for it, and heart disease, and diabetes, and all the other nasty complications of obesity. Yes, I’m obese. I know I am, and I don’t love it. (Read some of the reasons why here) I don’t beat myself up over it, because that’s counterproductive, but I do acknowledge it. Intellectually I know I have to get going, but emotionally I’m feeling a little stuck.

I think what stops me in my tracks is the knowledge that I’ve done this a million times before. I get fed up, I shake things up, I make some changes, and I improve my health and fitness levels to a greater or lesser degree. The problem is that I never take it far enough. I lose momentum. I need to develop new habits. Fortunately, November has shown me that I’m perfectly capable of doing just that.

Writing has become a habit for me. Instead of writing once or twice a week (if that) I’m writing once or twice a day, and for longer periods of time. I’m exploring different ways of expressing myself, and I’m not afraid to tackle topics that might have intimidated me previously. I need to take that determination and drive into the battle for my health. This is a fight I need to win. I must create new habits. I better warm up the treadmill and dust off my awesome pink boxing gloves. I have proven to myself that I can take on and complete a challenge. My new challenge is taking care of myself. Anyone care to join me? One step at a time, one change at a time, one day at a time.

November 18, 2013
by BulgingButtons 8 Comments

Ten Things You Didn’t Know About My Dad

Of course this is silly, since you don’t know anything about my dad. Still he was a very interesting guy and I could write a few volumes just about him. Here, though, are ten small bits of him.

1. He graduated from the University of Michigan, pre-med, in three years instead of four.

2. He had tons of quotes he would spout off, all the time. There was something for virtually every occasion. Toward the end of his life one of his favorites was, “give time, time.” Huh?

3. He took us to Israel when I was a kid and he brought back a shofar (ram’s horn) that he would sound at the Jewish High Holy Days. My brother has the shofar and continues the tradition.

4. He would wake up very early in the morning and read, mostly non-fiction. He had volumes and volumes of books on art, history, religion, anthropology, etc. They are all annotated with his underlines and comments, and many of them have accompanying articles tucked inside. He would correspond with authors and public figures too, and this was long before the internet.

5. He would cross the bridge to Canada to eat a burger because he didn’t want anyone to see him and report back to my mother about his indulgence.

6. He warned my brother that he might get cancer after purchasing a house near a radio tower. Sadly, it was my dad who got cancer.

7. My dad’s primary site for his cancer was in his brain. He was given a three month prognosis. He died seven years later. Long enough to walk me down the aisle. Long enough to meet my son.

8. It rained on the morning of my wedding. The venue called to say they were moving the ceremony inside. My father said no. He insisted that they stick to the original plan. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding, just as I had envisioned.

9. My dad’s mother lived a very long life. Up until the end she lived independently. My dad would often visit her and take a nap on her couch.

10. The last thing my dad said to me as he lay dying, robbed of most speech by Parkinson’s Disease, was, “I love you.”