BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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Curse This Blessing

slider_image_5Tomorrow my niece will have her Bat Mitzvah. She will get up in front of the congregation and friends and family from near and far and she will read from the Torah. It is a Jewish rite of passage and she is well prepared for it. She will do great.

I, on the other hand, will bomb.

I never had a Bat Mitzvah. I was raised in the same synagogue where she will have her ceremony, and while it is a beautiful house of worship, it’s also quite large. As a kid her age I was quite shy. I begged my parents not to make me do it, and they agreed. I still don’t entirely understand that decision, but I’m happy with it. As a result, I never had to go up there and recite Hebrew in front of all those people. I dodged a bullet. Or so I thought.

A few nights ago my brother mentioned that he would like me and my mother to recite two prayers during the service. One is recited before reading the Torah, and the other is recited after. I’ve heard both of these prayers many many times during my life, but could I tell you the exact words? Did I mention that they’re in Hebrew? Gulp.

My brother told me not to worry, they have a laminated card right up there on the pulpit so you can’t mess up. The words are written in english syllables. Sort of. And the tune… well, let’s just say it’s a kind of sing-song chant thing. I should know it. But I don’t.

My internet access has been somewhat limited, so it wasn’t until tonight that I was able to hunt around on youtube to find these prayers. Finally, a Jan Lieberman, a cantor from Florida, had what I needed. I know most of it, but there’s still one line that’s tricky. The sounds she makes and the english letters on the laminated card don’t seem to match up in my brain, so I’m still a little stuck on that part. Add to that the fact that my mother is completely tone deaf, and I don’t have a great voice to begin with, and I think we’re in trouble.

The good news is that I’ve got the first prayer down. The further good news is that the second prayer is only about 15 seconds long on the youtube video. It will be fine, I have all night to listen to it. Besides, nobody will be paying attention to me anyway, it’s my niece’s day, and she will be perfect.

 


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Crashed

The house is quiet except for the sound of rain against the windows and roof, and the soft snoring coming from both the couch and the love seat. I couldn’t be happier.

We’re in transition, this little family of mine. There are four of us, three humans and a dog. My sixteen-year-old son stretches his lanky body across the long couch, breathing in and out rhythmically to the sound of the rain. My fiancé is on the love seat, one leg bent across the arm, the other on the floor, occasionally letting out a noise to let me know he’s still alive and asleep. They have both fallen asleep without meaning to, victims of their own exhaustion.

a_sleeping_dad_on_the_couch_0515-1005-1302-0329_SMUThey are missing the summer storm, with its steady rain and gently rumbling thunder. The dog has settled at my feet, more out of comfort than any sort of alarm. We are all at peace tonight.

I was a little worried. We are in the midst of a move, and we’re in temporary quarters. We had a 1,765 square foot, four-bedroom house that we sold. We’re moving into a 2,200 square foot, four-bedroom house, but it’s not ready yet. Right now we’re in a space that is about 750 square feet and has two bedrooms. Oh, and it was completely full when we got here.

There is not a single empty drawer or even two inches of closet space available in this house. There is no room in the medicine cabinet, the kitchen cupboards, or even on the counters. We have items in suitcases on the floor, items stashed under the one bed, and items under the kitchen table. We have a laundry hamper in the living room, next to a filing cabinet, behind the couch. You might say it’s a little cramped. Still, it’s a roof over our heads, and it’s rent-free at that. I can’t complain. I won’t complain. The air-conditioning works, there is a fridge and two functioning bathrooms, there’s a washer and dryer, and there’s a lovely swimming pool a short walk away. We’re set. Crowded, but set.

Tonight I’m feeling gratitude, not just that we have this place to stay, but that we are together. My son and my fiancé are the two most important people in my life, and the fact that they’re both snoring away on the couches just a few feet from where I’m writing makes me incredibly happy. They could have each retreated to their separate corners, but they didn’t. They could have been self-conscious about letting their guard down, but that wasn’t the case. They are both totally at home here, even amongst all the stuff that I feel is choking us. They aren’t craving solitude, they are embracing togetherness.

I was worried about the lack of space. I was worried that we would begin to get on each other’s nerves and argue, but that hasn’t happened. We’ve adjusted. They’ve adjusted, and they’ve taught me that I can adjust too.


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Happy Birthday to Me!

?????????????????I’ve reached another milestone. I’m another year older. Yay, me! Each year is a celebration. I have added to my life experience. No ill fate has found me. I AM ALIVE! That, my friends, is worthy of praise.

I generally reflect on a few different things on my birthday, one of which is the mysterious circumstances of how I came to be. Ok, it’s not a huge mystery. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have sex. Girl gets pregnant. Girl has baby. Pretty standard, actually. But who were the boy and girl (or man and woman as the case may be)? How did they meet? What were their plans? Apparently not raising a child together, since I was surrendered for adoption at birth. What ended up happening to them? And what about my half-siblings? My very sketchy paperwork suggests that I have at least three. What of them? All a mystery. Maybe I’ll write the story myself and turn it into a best seller and a blockbuster movie starring Camryn Manheim as me. Why not?

The other thing I generally reflect upon is the past year and the ups and downs it brought. Let’s see…

Positives:

1. I sold my house successfully and moved out.

2. I taught at my new school for a year and loved it.

3. My relationships with my sweetheart and my son are positive and loving.

4. I wrote a manuscript.

5. I lost a few pounds and tried out lots of different types of exercise.

6. I connected with several friends.

7. I was offered a great summer work opportunity that turned out very well.

8. I participated in a year long collaboration project that also turned out well and will continue next year.

9. I found and bought a new house.

10. I’m happy.

Negatives:

1. I’m still fat.

2. I still have to take medication.

3. I still have bad habits.

4. I still procrastinate.

5. I still haven’t met most of the 47 for 47 goals.

Oh well. I’m over it. Really, I am. I like those goals. I think they’re worthy goals. I think I’ll keep them. When I reach them I will celebrate, but I won’t beat myself up about them. I’m being kind to myself, because if I can’t even be nice to me, why should anyone else be nice to me? I know I have stuff to work on, but I’m ok with that. I’m not perfect, and I never will be, but I have goals to work toward, and right now that’s enough.

In the meantime, won’t you have a slice of virtual chocolate birthday cake with me? It’s as delicious as you allow yourself to imagine, and not a single calorie will pass your lips!