BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl

Tag Archives: Weight loss


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Eighty-one Pounds Gone, and Eating Cinnamon Bears for Dinner

So if you read my last post (half a year ago) you know that I’ve been taking weight loss medication, and lo and behold, it’s working! All those things about being fat that average sized people don’t think about are starting to become standard for me. I’m by no means skinny, and I don’t aspire to be, but there’s significantly less of me than there used to be.

Recently we had Thanksgiving here in the U.S. of A., and I was lucky enough to score a visit from my boy (grown up man) who lives in another state. I hadn’t seen him in a while, and when he looked at me for the first time he was a little bit thrown for a loop. He actually told me that it’s going to take him some time to get used to the way I look now. I weigh less now than I have at any point during his lifetime, so I can see where he’s coming from.

Honestly, I don’t want to stay on this medication forever, partly because I don’t enjoy giving myself shots, partly because gagging when I brush my teeth is unpleasant, and partly because who knows what the long term effects of this medication are. Oh, and the cost. There’s that factor too. But for right now, and the foreseeable future, I’m sticking with it (see what I did there? stick, like needle? pretty clever, right?).

My sweetheart doesn’t love the idea of me being on this medicine for an extended period of time. He’s convinced that I’ve “learned better habits and can continue making those better decisions.” Right. Like having cinnamon bears for dinner. Yes, I’m eating considerably less, but still not always the best choices. I try, but some days I really just don’t want to. Yes, I occasionally get cravings, even with the medicine, but FAR less often or intensely than without it. I haven’t learned better habits, I’ve always known what they are. It’s not knowledge that’s the issue, it’s putting it into practice, and that’s where I have struggled all my adult life.


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Brave New World

Well, here I am once again. I was challenged by a friend, who is a far more prolific writer than I am, to at least write a blog post. Well, E. here it is, in all its awkward glory. Why awkward? Because I feel like a stranger here, in my very own blog. Things look different. Things work in different ways. Even the login process was different. Not bad. Easy, in fact. But still, different.

From the very beginning, in June of 2013, this blog has been all about me, me, me. Me as a parent, as an educator, as a friend, as a partner, and as a daughter and sister. More than all of those versions of me, though, this blog has been a record of the ups and downs of my never-ending quest for the healthiest version of me. My weight has fluctuated, as has my motivation. Currently my weight is on a downward trajectory, with the help of medication, an app, and a food delivery service. Oh, and orders from my doctor. Can’t forget those. Is it pricey? You bet, but like the L’Oreal commercials say, “I’m worth it.”

I’m at a weight that I reached about 2 years ago, wearing the smallest clothes in my closet, but for some reason it doesn’t feel like it did 2 years ago. That time around I felt like I was powerful, strong, in charge. I was a warrior going to battle. Then I ran out of steam. Time passed, things changed, and some of the fifty plus pounds I shed made their way back onto my frame. Those pounds are gone again, but so is my warrior persona. Now I’m mostly just resigned. I suppose I look better, and there are definitely some things that are easier to do (like flying, my favorite), and really my labs have never been better (at least not in the last couple of decades). Still, I’m just not feeling it this time around.

I might have a little bit of imposter syndrome. I’m using medication, which makes the weight loss so much easier. Is that cheating? Do I get to feel the same kind of triumph? If we were talking about anyone else, I would say, “Of course!” but I don’t generally give myself the same kind of grace that I give to others. Maybe it’s a little bit of the perfectionist in me. I know I have a long way to go to get this body to its peak of health, and frankly it seems unrealistic to think that I will ever reach an “ideal” weight, but I’m still out here trying. So there you have it, and now you’re thinking, no wonder she hasn’t written anything in over a year. Of course blogging is like so many other things, the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Hopefully I can remember that when it comes to the healthy habits I’m trying to cultivate.


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What a Check Up

It’s been a long time since I actually looked forward to going to the doctor to discuss my lab work, but today that changed. You see I’ve been working on improving my nutrition and increasing my activity level, and it’s paying off.

The whole reason I started this blog way back when was to hold myself accountable for improving my health, but it didn’t really pan out that way. Over the years I’ve had ups and downs, and ups again when it came to the numbers on my bathroom scale. I’ve always known that I need to lose weight, mostly for my health, but also for my looks and my state of mind. I don’t want to be lugging around a body that struggles to do the simplest tasks. I want good health, energy, and a cute wardrobe that I feel good wearing. I’m on my way to achieving all three of those goals.

You see, a few months back I started noticing a few new issues with my body, issues that concerned me. I started to imagine a quick decline leading to all sorts of unpleasant consequences, and for what? Pizza? Chocolate? Cheeseburgers?

I know, I’ve been down this health kick path before, but for some reason I’ve been able to keep on keeping on for almost six months, with the most noticeable result that I’ve lost nearly 50 pounds. Yes, I’ve lost weight before, and it felt good, but it didn’t last. I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently.

In the back of my mind I’m a little nervous that soon I’ll hit a point where the subconscious voice in my head says, “Ok hotshot, you’ve gone far enough, now it’s time to stop this nonsense and scarf down some donuts with a milkshake chaser.” Do I want that? No. But I am a little worried that old patterns will manage to reestablish themselves. HOWEVER… I have some tools this time around that I didn’t have previously.

First, I have the extreme motivation of being truly concerned for my own well-being. Hip pain, nerve damage, pain in my feet, and an increased risk of developing any number of illnesses is a pretty strong driving force. The little phrase, “Is it worth it?” has been doing an excellent job of helping me keep any cravings I might have in check.

Speaking of cravings, I haven’t really had too much of an issue with them. I’m eating wholesome food, and I’m rarely hungry. When I do crave something, I can usually find a snack that doesn’t damage my efforts. Applesauce, carrots with hummus, and grapes are a few favorites. I also enjoy a cup of coffee with flavored creamer. Yes, it’s a little splurge, but I’m striving for improvement and balance, not instant results and perfection. Learning what works for me and how to fuel my body without depriving myself has been a game changer.

In the past I’ve done Weight Watchers (a few times) and Jenny Craig. I’ve tried the Pritikin Plan and given the South Beach Diet a go. I even briefly attempted to “eat right for my blood type.” The issues I had with all of these approaches are A) I never really completely bought into any of them (they all seem too lockstep and sort of cult-like to me), and B) I was always thinking about food. Seriously. Always. What could I eat? When could I eat? How much could I eat? It was constant, and the more time I spent thinking about food, the more I wanted to chuck whatever plan I was attempting and just EAT, which made losing weight an extremely frustrating exercise in self deprivation and self pity (poor me, I’ve been working so hard so I deserve this ice cream), leading to self sabotage.

For the first time I can remember, I’m enjoying eating healthy foods, and I’m not constantly thinking about my next meal. I eat real food, but I track it all. I don’t count calories, but my little app does, and it provides me with a visual snapshot of where I am with my daily intake. Again, I don’t obsess over it. I do get on the scale every morning, which is new for me. I’m okay with it wiggling up and down a little, because I can see that the overall trend is downward, even if there are a few days when my weight increases. Of course the graph tracking my daily weigh-ins is motivating too.

Besides losing weight some of my non-scale victories include:

  • smaller (and cuter) clothes
  • no extender on the airplane (seriously, this is a huge victory)
  • excellent lab results and a happy doctor (whom I really like and respect)
  • increased energy
  • a mom who is delighted that I’m taking control of my health
  • a son who has also decided to make healthier food and movement choices
  • a more positive outlook on my health and future

I can’t guarantee this change is permanent, but I hope it is. I know several people who have made significant improvements to their health that have stuck, and many of them have been my age or older. I know it can be done, and I’m confident that I can get through the upcoming eating season without too much damage. Every day is a new opportunity to begin again, so slip ups aren’t forever. I’m just going to keep at it one day at a time.