BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl

I’m Okay, But What Does Depression Really Look Like?

6 Comments

There’s been so much talk about mental health in general and depression specifically recently that I’m questioning what depression really looks like. I know some general information about depression, like that it has nothing to do with how fabulous your life seems to be from the outside. Cruel, isn’t it? You can work hard, do your best, love and be loved, and yet still be depressed. An outsider might envy your life, when in reality you are struggling just to get through the day.

I’m not struggling to get through my days, thank goodness. My life is pretty great, in fact. I have a terrific kid, a loving relationship, great family, good friends, a career I enjoy, a comfortable home, I’m well educated, I have interests and connections, and yet…

94923.original-6151.jpgSomething just feels kind of off. I haven’t been taking care of myself the way I know I should. I haven’t been exercising. I’ve been eating terribly. I’ve been feeling sort of detatched, if that makes any sense. I have time on my hands and I feel like I’m just wasting it. I’m tired for no reason. I’m achy. I’m taking my medications, so I don’t think it’s my body. Is it my mind? Am I depressed? Why would I be? But something isn’t right.

When I think of depression I think of someone who is overwhelmingly sad. That’s not me. I think of someone who has difficulty functioning. That’s not me. But then again it wasn’t some of the well-known people who recently died by suicide. NO. I am not suicidal. I am simply out of sorts, and I don’t like it. I’m usually pretty chill, with a side of optimism, but recently I’ve been more “meh.” I’d like to shake that off, and get back to feeling like myself. Maybe I just need to exercise more, I do know it helps a person’s outlook. But maybe there’s something more. I’m just not sure.

Tomorrow I have my annual check up. It should be super-fun. This, of course, is sarcasm. I don’t enjoy my check up, and I don’t know many people who do. This one will be particularly bad, because I know I haven’t taken care of myself the way I should have. I’m supposed to be losing weight, but I’m certain I’ve gained. I imagine I’ll get scolded for that. UGH. I think I better talk to my provider about my state of mind. Maybe he can help. Talking about it is a step in the right direction, anyway, at least I think it is. Wish me luck.

Author: BulgingButtons

I'm a middle aged woman doing the things that middle aged women do and trying not to beat myself up. I'm living the life I choose with the man I love, the teenage son who impresses me all the time, and the most adorable pup ever rescued from the euthanasia list. We live in the heat of the Southwest, where I regularly sweat through my Lane Bryant bras.

6 thoughts on “I’m Okay, But What Does Depression Really Look Like?

  1. Wishing you all the best at your appointment! Hopefully your doctor has enough time to actually listen to you and not just go through the tests..

  2. Luck wished. You crack me up. Hormones are to blame!! Yep! Men have their “cycles” too. Goes by different name(s) but nonetheless… And, hmmm… Depression is a “buzzword” term. It can be spread wide and sub’s treed to fit every mood and side drugs to “let’s try this for two weeks, and if that don’t work….. 💣💥💣💥💣💥 BOOM psych drug adventure down the rabbit hole begins. Seems to me you know what needs to be done.
    I am hoping for the best.
    👍

    • Thank you. I am hoping for the best too, and hormones are wacky things, aren’t they? I appreciate your comments.

      • I’m kind of embarrassed. I hadn’t checked gender specifics and I’m a bit confused… Are we 🚹 or 🚺? 😂😂😂 either way, YES hormones are a huge pain in the moods, that something could be the ‘not knowing’ of your appt results anticipation of the worst. Praying for ya…. You’re not alone and thanks for responding (hugs)

      • No worries. “We” are female and identify as such. 🙂

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