BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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Mirror, Mirror, Go Away

My new home has a rather large master bathroom complete with a walk-in closet. It’s quite posh, really. It also features many mirrors. At least it seems that way. And these mirrors are hung at all sorts of angles from one another, creating something of a fun house effect. Or maybe house is horrors is closer to the truth. At least for me.

As I walk through the bathroom, I can’t help but view my entire body from angles that were previously unknown to me.

Picasso's Girl Before a Mirror

Picasso’s Girl Before a Mirror

Last night I caught sight of my full profile, and I stopped. I looked. I saw what everyone else sees all the time. You see, my body doesn’t carry weight the way most bodies do. I carry the majority of my extra weight in my belly, and it sticks way out. I am bigger front to back than side to side. When I look in the mirror I think I know what I look like, but I rarely catch a side view. Now I have one available all the time. Oh goody.

I stood there and gathered up as much of the belly fat as I could and took stock. There’s a lot. Then I let go and looked back in the mirror. I imagined what my body would look like if much of that belly were gone. Yes, there would still be plenty of jiggle to the thighs, and the back fat would still be in place. Yes, the beefy arms would still exist along with the double chin, but I would look pretty darn good. Not photoshop good, mind you, but fit and trim. That body could shop in a department that doesn’t have any sizes with the letter X in them. It would be nice, but it won’t happen by itself.

Those mirrors aren’t going away. They will remain in place to either encourage me or taunt me, as I see fit. It’s up to me to approach them with self love, not loathing. Too many of us hate our bodies, but our bodies deserve our care and tenderness, not our hateful thoughts. Regardless of the body I’m in, I will care for it and thank it for all the wonderful things it can do. And when I’m feeling really motivated, I’ll take it out for a spin, just to make sure all the parts are still working.

 

 

 


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Happy Birthday to Me!

?????????????????I’ve reached another milestone. I’m another year older. Yay, me! Each year is a celebration. I have added to my life experience. No ill fate has found me. I AM ALIVE! That, my friends, is worthy of praise.

I generally reflect on a few different things on my birthday, one of which is the mysterious circumstances of how I came to be. Ok, it’s not a huge mystery. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have sex. Girl gets pregnant. Girl has baby. Pretty standard, actually. But who were the boy and girl (or man and woman as the case may be)? How did they meet? What were their plans? Apparently not raising a child together, since I was surrendered for adoption at birth. What ended up happening to them? And what about my half-siblings? My very sketchy paperwork suggests that I have at least three. What of them? All a mystery. Maybe I’ll write the story myself and turn it into a best seller and a blockbuster movie starring Camryn Manheim as me. Why not?

The other thing I generally reflect upon is the past year and the ups and downs it brought. Let’s see…

Positives:

1. I sold my house successfully and moved out.

2. I taught at my new school for a year and loved it.

3. My relationships with my sweetheart and my son are positive and loving.

4. I wrote a manuscript.

5. I lost a few pounds and tried out lots of different types of exercise.

6. I connected with several friends.

7. I was offered a great summer work opportunity that turned out very well.

8. I participated in a year long collaboration project that also turned out well and will continue next year.

9. I found and bought a new house.

10. I’m happy.

Negatives:

1. I’m still fat.

2. I still have to take medication.

3. I still have bad habits.

4. I still procrastinate.

5. I still haven’t met most of the 47 for 47 goals.

Oh well. I’m over it. Really, I am. I like those goals. I think they’re worthy goals. I think I’ll keep them. When I reach them I will celebrate, but I won’t beat myself up about them. I’m being kind to myself, because if I can’t even be nice to me, why should anyone else be nice to me? I know I have stuff to work on, but I’m ok with that. I’m not perfect, and I never will be, but I have goals to work toward, and right now that’s enough.

In the meantime, won’t you have a slice of virtual chocolate birthday cake with me? It’s as delicious as you allow yourself to imagine, and not a single calorie will pass your lips!


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Friday Freakout and Happy Blogday to BulgingButtons

first_birthday_cake_recipeMovers are scheduled to arrive in 25 hours. As I look around I wonder how we’ll make it happen, but I know that we will. The good news is that I don’t HAVE to be completely out of here until Monday, so after they take the big stuff I can still finish up any odds and ends on Sunday. Still, I WANT to be done on Saturday. Um, I mean tomorrow. Right now it just seems a little unlikely, but if I keep breathing maybe it will all come together.

Oh, and BulgingButtons is officially ONE YEAR OLD! Happy Birthday Blog! I’ve decided that a Blogday is something to celebrate, even if only by eating a Weight Watchers raspberry ice cream bar for breakfast (only 2 points). tumblr_l2d66aIow71qa27rco1_1280See, in my mind celebrations still equals food. Old habits and mindsets are hard to break. Maybe we should celebrate with a splash in the pool or a bike ride around the neighborhood? That would be more in keeping with the original BulgingButtons mission, I think.

As of this morning BulgingButtons has 999 followers. Perhaps the 1,000th follow will be our blogday present? That would be wonderful. Even better than a raspberry ice cream bar. Really.

Have a fabulous Friday and party like a rock star in honor of one year of BulgingButtons. If you have any whiz bang moving tips to make my life calmer, easier, or less crazy feel free to share. I always learn so much from you. Of course if you have any moving horror stories, feel free to share those too (I’m afraid they’re all too common). We will all read them and nod slowly or stifle a giggle, or gasp appropriately, and we will commiserate with you. Then we will secretly thank the powers that be that it happened to you and not us. No offense, of course. So bring on those moving stories,  I will try not to let them scare me too badly.