Health | BulgingButtons

July 29, 2014
by BulgingButtons 5 Comments

Mirror, Mirror, Go Away

My new home has a rather large master bathroom complete with a walk-in closet. It’s quite posh, really. It also features many mirrors. At least it seems that way. And these mirrors are hung at all sorts of angles from one another, creating something of a fun house effect. Or maybe house is horrors is closer to the truth. At least for me.

As I walk through the bathroom, I can’t help but view my entire body from angles that were previously unknown to me.

Picasso’s Girl Before a Mirror

Last night I caught sight of my full profile, and I stopped. I looked. I saw what everyone else sees all the time. You see, my body doesn’t carry weight the way most bodies do. I carry the majority of my extra weight in my belly, and it sticks way out. I am bigger front to back than side to side. When I look in the mirror I think I know what I look like, but I rarely catch a side view. Now I have one available all the time. Oh goody.

I stood there and gathered up as much of the belly fat as I could and took stock. There’s a lot. Then I let go and looked back in the mirror. I imagined what my body would look like if much of that belly were gone. Yes, there would still be plenty of jiggle to the thighs, and the back fat would still be in place. Yes, the beefy arms would still exist along with the double chin, but I would look pretty darn good. Not photoshop good, mind you, but fit and trim. That body could shop in a department that doesn’t have any sizes with the letter X in them. It would be nice, but it won’t happen by itself.

Those mirrors aren’t going away. They will remain in place to either encourage me or taunt me, as I see fit. It’s up to me to approach them with self love, not loathing. Too many of us hate our bodies, but our bodies deserve our care and tenderness, not our hateful thoughts. Regardless of the body I’m in, I will care for it and thank it for all the wonderful things it can do. And when I’m feeling really motivated, I’ll take it out for a spin, just to make sure all the parts are still working.

July 3, 2014
by BulgingButtons 18 Comments

Happy Birthday to Me!

I’ve reached another milestone. I’m another year older. Yay, me! Each year is a celebration. I have added to my life experience. No ill fate has found me. I AM ALIVE! That, my friends, is worthy of praise.

I generally reflect on a few different things on my birthday, one of which is the mysterious circumstances of how I came to be. Ok, it’s not a huge mystery. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have sex. Girl gets pregnant. Girl has baby. Pretty standard, actually. But who were the boy and girl (or man and woman as the case may be)? How did they meet? What were their plans? Apparently not raising a child together, since I was surrendered for adoption at birth. What ended up happening to them? And what about my half-siblings? My very sketchy paperwork suggests that I have at least three. What of them? All a mystery. Maybe I’ll write the story myself and turn it into a best seller and a blockbuster movie starring Camryn Manheim as me. Why not?

The other thing I generally reflect upon is the past year and the ups and downs it brought. Let’s see…

Positives:

1. I sold my house successfully and moved out.

2. I taught at my new school for a year and loved it.

3. My relationships with my sweetheart and my son are positive and loving.

4. I wrote a manuscript.

5. I lost a few pounds and tried out lots of different types of exercise.

6. I connected with several friends.

7. I was offered a great summer work opportunity that turned out very well.

8. I participated in a year long collaboration project that also turned out well and will continue next year.

9. I found and bought a new house.

10. I’m happy.

Negatives:

1. I’m still fat.

2. I still have to take medication.

3. I still have bad habits.

4. I still procrastinate.

5. I still haven’t met most of the 47 for 47 goals.

Oh well. I’m over it. Really, I am. I like those goals. I think they’re worthy goals. I think I’ll keep them. When I reach them I will celebrate, but I won’t beat myself up about them. I’m being kind to myself, because if I can’t even be nice to me, why should anyone else be nice to me? I know I have stuff to work on, but I’m ok with that. I’m not perfect, and I never will be, but I have goals to work toward, and right now that’s enough.

In the meantime, won’t you have a slice of virtual chocolate birthday cake with me? It’s as delicious as you allow yourself to imagine, and not a single calorie will pass your lips!

June 16, 2014
by BulgingButtons 4 Comments

Why I Detest Grocery Shopping

Ok, I lied. I don’t detest the actual shopping part of grocery shopping, at least not most of the time. Pushing the cart around the store and filling it up with tantalizing goodies isn’t really all that awful, if that is, in fact what you’re doing. Most of the time, however, that is not what I’m doing.

Usually I’m carrying on a rather lengthly and somewhat intense inner conversation while I grocery shop. It usually starts within about 30 seconds of hitting the store. The first internal hurdle is which cart to take, and whether wiping it down with one of those stinky wet wipes is worth the potential savings in germs. I’m lazy. I take my chances.

Next I roll over to the produce aisle where I have this stupid little exchange with myself EVERY SINGLE TIME. I tell myself I should be eating more fruits and veggies. I agree with myself, and start to choose delicious fresh fruit and vegetables. No big deal, right? Until I remember that there are shrivelly grapes in the fridge and I just threw away 3 greasy black bananas. I HATE throwing away food, but not as much as I hate food poisoning, so anything even remotely suspect goes straight into the trash.

Unfortunately most of the stuff that ends up in the trash is way beyond suspect. For some reason I can’t quite put my finger on, stuff just kind of sits around at our house. We start something, but never seem to finish it. You can find old cereal, ancient tea bags, mummified frozen raviolis, and other strange and terrifying wonders at my house. It’s not that my home is a breeding ground for experiments, it isn’t. It’s just that some things lose their appeal faster than others. Oreos, for example, rarely occupy cupboard space for more than 2 to 3 days max. Often their stay is considerably shorter. But I haven’t been buying Oreos. I’ve been buying fruit and beans and low fat yogurt and sandwich thins. For some reason those items seem to linger.

The trip to the grocery store just underscores the futility of my efforts. I try to buy things that are good for me, but I don’t really enjoy them, so far too often I end up eating out and throwing them away. There’s a great deal of guilt involved with the whole exercise. I waste food, I waste money, and I don’t eat what I know I ought to. Yet, I do it again and again, because you have to buy food, right?

I need to take a step back, plan out meals again (yes, I do have this skill, and I also have months worth of e-meals if I don’t feel like doing it myself), and shop accordingly. But man, that’s a lot of work! And like I said, I’m lazy.

Enough ranting for one night. Time to suck it up and start that grocery list. Tomorrow I go in, and I want to be prepared.