BulgingButtons

Not bad for a fat girl


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Alone, At Last

Being alone is a strange thing. We are welcomed into the world with at least our mother near us, and for those of us born in hospitals, many other people as well. We spend much of our early years in the company of others, aside from our sleeping hours, and for many infants and young children, those hours are spent with others too.

When my son was about four he pointed out to me that it wasn’t fair that he had to sleep alone when his dad and I got to sleep together. I wasn’t a family bed proponent, and I still contend that none of use would have ever gotten a decent night’s sleep had he been with us, but he made a point. Why do the most vulnerable among us sleep alone? glacier-national-park---robert-glusic----photodisc-na008587We humans are generally pretty social beings, even the anti-social among us. Complete solitude gets old quickly, even in the most beautiful of surroundings.

My sweetheart used to work for the park service. He had many lonely nights and solitary days in some of the most beautiful country on the planet, but alone is alone. When there’s nobody to share the experience with, it somehow loses some of its meaning. Certainly I would prefer isolation in the beauty of nature, provided I was safe, than in a solitary holding cell, but even solitude in comfortable surroundings would become a burden after a short while.

I’m not talking about that kind of alone. I don’t mean the alone that seeps into your bones and leaves you cold and hungry; the kind of alone that stretches in front of you without an end in sight. I’ve never known that kind of alone. I hope I never do. That kind of alone frightens me. I’m not afraid to be with myself, in fact I think I’m pretty good company, it’s just that I’m afraid to never have anyone to share experiences with. I’m afraid I would stagnate and begin to rot from the inside out.

The kind of alone I’m talking about is a break. A short separation from those I love dearly. After three days cooped up in close quarters with limited diversions, I’m glad that today we’re back to a somewhat normal schedule. After dropping my son off at his volunteer work, I ran a few errands and returned home to an entirely peaceful house. As I released the dog from her kennel I looked around and felt a sense of peace settle over me. She and I have a few hours before anyone returns home, and we’re going to make it count. DSC00002She has already begun her work on a new nap, and I’ve taken to the keyboard. We are both using our talents in ways that we find satisfying. We are sharing the afternoon in companionable silence, aside from the occasional passing comment. We are alone, together.

I don’t feel the need to do the laundry or vacuum or make the beds. I’m okay with letting things slide a little bit today. Today I need to recharge my battery. Tomorrow it’s a trip to the dentist, then a long overdue lunch date with a friend. After that the laundry can have its turn, but not today. Today it can sit in the hamper and just be still. I have peace and quiet to catch up on, and I’m going to make it count.


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Bursting at the Seams

I find myself in transition, again. I’m glad we’ve moved out of our house successfully. It was a challenge. Every time it seemed we were almost done it turned out that we weren’t. There was so much stuff to pack up and so many little jobs to do before we could officially walk away knowing that we were, in fact, done. It was stressful and exhausting. The good news is, we did it. We closed, the proceeds have been deposited (waiting to be applied to the new house), and that particular house is no longer home.3531319464_cartoon_lady_closet_xlarge

The down side is that the new house isn’t yet home either. We’re still in the purchasing process for that one, which is fine, since the seller is doing some work before we take possession. It’s nothing major, a couple of the light switches got wired funky and the skylight has a crack, things like that. None of them are structural or dangerous, but they should all be done, and if I had to get them fixed it would add up quickly. The good news is that everything should be done by the end of the month, and we should be able to move it and start making it home.

So where does that leave us now? Sofa surfing, baby. We’re staying in a very nice, cozy little home. We’re the only ones here right now, which is great, because there’s barely enough room for the three of us and the dog. It’s a vacation home, and it’s filled to the gills. It was before we got here, and then we showed up with our stuff. Suitcases and laundry baskets and computers and a filing cabinet and a kennel and groceries… OH MY. You can barely walk across a room without tripping on something.

Each area of the home is completely packed with stuff. The sofas are covered in sheets, and I’m keeping them covered so the dog doesn’t get them furry. The kitchen counters hold our groceries that don’t belong in the fridge, and there’s about a one foot by two foot area that I’ve managed to clear off for food prep, but I can’t prep anything in there. It’s just too cramped. There’s no microwave, and it’s too darn hot to run the oven, so we’ve been going out. That needs to stop. I need to pick up some fruit and we need to stick to fruit, sandwiches, and cereal. We can do that.

Just because the house is bursting at the seams doesn’t mean that I have to. I need to get back on track and start losing again, instead of gaining. Time to refocus and make better choices. Here we go again!


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Happy Birthday to Me!

?????????????????I’ve reached another milestone. I’m another year older. Yay, me! Each year is a celebration. I have added to my life experience. No ill fate has found me. I AM ALIVE! That, my friends, is worthy of praise.

I generally reflect on a few different things on my birthday, one of which is the mysterious circumstances of how I came to be. Ok, it’s not a huge mystery. Boy meets girl. Boy and girl have sex. Girl gets pregnant. Girl has baby. Pretty standard, actually. But who were the boy and girl (or man and woman as the case may be)? How did they meet? What were their plans? Apparently not raising a child together, since I was surrendered for adoption at birth. What ended up happening to them? And what about my half-siblings? My very sketchy paperwork suggests that I have at least three. What of them? All a mystery. Maybe I’ll write the story myself and turn it into a best seller and a blockbuster movie starring Camryn Manheim as me. Why not?

The other thing I generally reflect upon is the past year and the ups and downs it brought. Let’s see…

Positives:

1. I sold my house successfully and moved out.

2. I taught at my new school for a year and loved it.

3. My relationships with my sweetheart and my son are positive and loving.

4. I wrote a manuscript.

5. I lost a few pounds and tried out lots of different types of exercise.

6. I connected with several friends.

7. I was offered a great summer work opportunity that turned out very well.

8. I participated in a year long collaboration project that also turned out well and will continue next year.

9. I found and bought a new house.

10. I’m happy.

Negatives:

1. I’m still fat.

2. I still have to take medication.

3. I still have bad habits.

4. I still procrastinate.

5. I still haven’t met most of the 47 for 47 goals.

Oh well. I’m over it. Really, I am. I like those goals. I think they’re worthy goals. I think I’ll keep them. When I reach them I will celebrate, but I won’t beat myself up about them. I’m being kind to myself, because if I can’t even be nice to me, why should anyone else be nice to me? I know I have stuff to work on, but I’m ok with that. I’m not perfect, and I never will be, but I have goals to work toward, and right now that’s enough.

In the meantime, won’t you have a slice of virtual chocolate birthday cake with me? It’s as delicious as you allow yourself to imagine, and not a single calorie will pass your lips!